I submit to you, dear patient reader, the essay I plan to take with me to writer's group tonight. I offer no explanations. Though perhaps when you finish it, some sort of apology might be what you are looking for. I will be happy to oblige at a later date.
WANDA
Little bits of chocolate landed on her paper as Wanda devoured a Baby Ruth bar. She was writing her morning pages and making good progress. She needed to get out fifty pages before lunch. Today was Monday. Macaroni and Cheese day. There would be green beans and lime jello cut in cubes and stirred up with that fake whipped cream stuff to go with it. Yum.
But first, those fifty pages.
She was writing a commentary on the futility of curbing global warming because mankind was obviously on an inexorable path to self-destruction, but the governments must try to make some efforts to cool down the planet, and go on record about those efforts so that when the Bartfaustians* came back, they just might have some excuse not to deserve annihilation on the spot.
*Blatant semi-plagiarization inspired by Douglas Adams, may he rest in peace.
Though it is such a nice, clean, quick way to get rid of undesirables, don't you think? Annihilation that is. No big mess to clean up, no long drawn out negotiations, no unpleasant wars, just a puff of smoke and WHAMMO! The only thing left is a charred spot on the floor that is easily eliminated during the next scheduled maintenance cycle.**
** Bartfaustian note to self: Order more Spic and Span.
In any case, as Wanda was elaborating on a three point argument that could be made for the total elimination of the U.N., Roger from the catatonic ward was wheeled in and parked by the window within eyeshot of the TV that hung from the ceiling. Wanda knew Roger despised TV and as soon as the orderly left the room, she scooted him over to her table and read aloud to him as she continued writing. Roger noted the change in position by flipping the corner of his lap blanket with his thumb in time to Wandas stilted recitations:
In order to- ensure - the - proper- steps - are - implemented - world wide - - the - obstructionist - money - laundering - U.N. officials - must - be - sidetracked. Roger nodded sagely in slow motion. No one noticed however, as it took fifteen minutes to complete the action. By that time, Wanda was up to her tertiary point: And - it MAY - be - helpful - if- all - inmates - of - Shady - Pines - Sanatorium - shout - We - love - Bartfaustia! - during - each - full - moon.
Roger didn't nod any more that day, because he found Wanda's third point, just plain crazy.
Lunch arrived right on time, thus preventing Wanda from writing the next sentence, which unbeknownst to her, was the exact phrase the Bartfaustians had been waiting to pick up on their surveillance probe that orbited Earth, hidden on a discarded toilet seat, that had been thrown out the hatch of the Mir Space Station one fine afternoon after an argument broke out between Vladimir and Uri over whose turn it was to clean the bathroom.
The phrase was this: Thus speaketh Wanda. The Weird and Wonderful. Keeper of the sacred writings of Dementia Praecox Queen of all Hypergraphians.
Just think. A whole world saved from quick, painless***, and tidy annihilation by the arrival of macaroni and cheese. (Or was it the lime jello?) The Universe is a wondrous place is it not?
*** The painless part is always prominently displayed in the advertisements for Annihilation Generators, but has been hotly contested by a small but vocal group of purported survivors of an improperly calibrated Fresh Start 5000 Model number 1038473930183840-D on the plant Fodzwibble.
WANDA
Little bits of chocolate landed on her paper as Wanda devoured a Baby Ruth bar. She was writing her morning pages and making good progress. She needed to get out fifty pages before lunch. Today was Monday. Macaroni and Cheese day. There would be green beans and lime jello cut in cubes and stirred up with that fake whipped cream stuff to go with it. Yum.
But first, those fifty pages.
She was writing a commentary on the futility of curbing global warming because mankind was obviously on an inexorable path to self-destruction, but the governments must try to make some efforts to cool down the planet, and go on record about those efforts so that when the Bartfaustians* came back, they just might have some excuse not to deserve annihilation on the spot.
*Blatant semi-plagiarization inspired by Douglas Adams, may he rest in peace.
Though it is such a nice, clean, quick way to get rid of undesirables, don't you think? Annihilation that is. No big mess to clean up, no long drawn out negotiations, no unpleasant wars, just a puff of smoke and WHAMMO! The only thing left is a charred spot on the floor that is easily eliminated during the next scheduled maintenance cycle.**
** Bartfaustian note to self: Order more Spic and Span.
In any case, as Wanda was elaborating on a three point argument that could be made for the total elimination of the U.N., Roger from the catatonic ward was wheeled in and parked by the window within eyeshot of the TV that hung from the ceiling. Wanda knew Roger despised TV and as soon as the orderly left the room, she scooted him over to her table and read aloud to him as she continued writing. Roger noted the change in position by flipping the corner of his lap blanket with his thumb in time to Wandas stilted recitations:
In order to- ensure - the - proper- steps - are - implemented - world wide - - the - obstructionist - money - laundering - U.N. officials - must - be - sidetracked. Roger nodded sagely in slow motion. No one noticed however, as it took fifteen minutes to complete the action. By that time, Wanda was up to her tertiary point: And - it MAY - be - helpful - if- all - inmates - of - Shady - Pines - Sanatorium - shout - We - love - Bartfaustia! - during - each - full - moon.
Roger didn't nod any more that day, because he found Wanda's third point, just plain crazy.
Lunch arrived right on time, thus preventing Wanda from writing the next sentence, which unbeknownst to her, was the exact phrase the Bartfaustians had been waiting to pick up on their surveillance probe that orbited Earth, hidden on a discarded toilet seat, that had been thrown out the hatch of the Mir Space Station one fine afternoon after an argument broke out between Vladimir and Uri over whose turn it was to clean the bathroom.
The phrase was this: Thus speaketh Wanda. The Weird and Wonderful. Keeper of the sacred writings of Dementia Praecox Queen of all Hypergraphians.
Just think. A whole world saved from quick, painless***, and tidy annihilation by the arrival of macaroni and cheese. (Or was it the lime jello?) The Universe is a wondrous place is it not?
*** The painless part is always prominently displayed in the advertisements for Annihilation Generators, but has been hotly contested by a small but vocal group of purported survivors of an improperly calibrated Fresh Start 5000 Model number 1038473930183840-D on the plant Fodzwibble.