I've been reading a lot of diaries lately, from here and there, not necessarily on Dear Diary. There is an incredible array of style and focus, tone and purpose in on line journals.
From time to time, I ask myself why I'm doing this. And the answers are rarely simple. This place has become part creative writing, part rant, part therapy, part community, part thinking out loud, part recording my own history, and part recording history in general.
In a lot of ways, we remind me of those old pulp magazines called True Confessions.
And to varying degrees, we do bare our souls in these pages do we not? Well, today for once, I am going to be completely honest about what's uppermost in my mind.
I got on the scale this morning, [something I usually avoid] and found that I have gained 3 pounds since last I stepped on the blasted thing.
I am 5 ft. 2 3/4 inches tall. The scale read: 144.2 pounds.
I don't want to weigh this much. I feel pudgy. I feel bloated. I feel sloppy, slow and sluggish. I also feel stupid, because I had been slowly LOSING weight just a couple of months ago.
Every time I do start to lose, I end up sabotaging myself in some way. Last time this happened, I was seeing the shrink at the time, and was working on some stream of consciousness journaling. I decided to write and write and write about how I felt about this sabotage cycle. And after 12 PAGES, something emerged that was a shock to me. I discovered a part of myself that one could only call self-loathing. I gave her a name, a very nasty name, and vowed to call her out every time she tried to get between me and my optimum healthy weight. And by golly it worked for a while.
But I got lazy. I forgot about her wiley ways. Maybe I got over confidant And here I am back in a place I never wanted to be, because I wasn't paying attention.
And here's the interesting part. Sometimes God knows what we are about to face, and sends us a message.
In the last week or so, at Tanya class our Rabbi was saying that he thought he could start a weight loss clinic based on precepts of kabbalah. The simple premise being to ask yourself this question before you eat anything:
"Am I eating this in order to have strength to serve God, or to feed my animalistic soul?"
Well, I can tell you, there are plenty of times in the day when I am doing the latter. And here I will say, that though I think I have a healthy sense of vanity, this weight thing has very little to do with that. It has to do with self mastery, with discipline, with love of self, with spiritual growth.
So today I am saying publicly, that this kind of unconscious eating, [spurred on by old what's her face who wants me to fail for some mysterious reason] is coming to a screeching halt.
Oh yes, I have said it before. [She taunts in the background] But I want to give my body what it REALLY wants, not the food that never satisfies. You've heard of "air guitars"? Well, I think there is "air food". You can eat it forever, and never have enough, and in the meantime, you get on the scale and, crap! you've gained three pounds, and have to carry that extra burden around with you. It stinks.
I am going to stop giving myself cookies, when my body really wants fruit.
So. Here's the deal.
Once a week, I'm getting on the scale. I hate getting on the scale. But I am going to do it. Then I will post my weight on my diary that same day. I guess that day will be Thursdays since that is today. My goal is to weigh 135 pounds. BUT not only that, my goal is to eat to give my body sustenance, and to eat with AWARENESS And not to eat unconsciously, OR to eat when what's her face talks me into it, or tricks me into it.
I promise not to start a food diary here. I will not bore you with every bite that goes into my mouth, but I just wanted to record for posterity, [not posterior] that I am setting off in a new direction. Not only physically, but spiritually.
The Rabbi teaches us in Chassidut, that thoughts are not enough. Changing the world requires action.
I'm ready.
To change the world.
I'll just start with myself okeeday?
Thursday, November 18th 2004, the scale said: 144.2