There’s dust on the ink bottle in here. Not that this is either here nor there, I'm just observing. It’s a place of sensory deprivation.
Silent, no windows, nothing distracting to look at unless you count the petrified dragonfly in the dry grass arrangement on the desk. I’m astonished he hasn’t crumbled to dust by now. He’s been perching there for over 2 years. Maybe he’s an Egyptian dragonfly.
It’s a relief to be in here though. I’ve had just about enough of TV commercials and radio jabber and frankly even the internet begins to displease. I feel like an overly tired child that’s had too much birthday cake and clown and pony shows. I need to be put to bed with a mug of warm milk and subdued lighting.
I’m trying to be cheerful, but deep down under the glitzy holiday mania, I’m missing my Robbie. The other morning as I was eating my cereal, I had come down to the last two frosted mini wheats. I stopped and gazed at them. I usually gave them to Robbie. I looked over at the bare kitchen floor where he used to sit and watch me eat. I’m not used to bare kitchen floors. I’m used to Robbie.
I threw the mini wheats away.
I walked around for a while with my lower lip quivering, but then I made myself say out loud all the things that had been giving him discomfort.
When I reached #5, I began to be ashamed that I wished him back with me in that condition. . . And I went on with my day.
But I don’t have the same control over my dreams. That night I proceeded to dream that a stray Sheltie wandered into our yard. At first I thought it was Robbie, but when I got closer, I saw that this dog had different markings. Funny, in my dream, I didn’t feel a great pull to take this dog in. I think I knew it wouldn’t be the same. I was kind to him, but distant.
I guess it’s just a long process I’m going through and to expect it to be resolved quickly is just plain foolish. It’s a road I have to follow to the end. But I’ll try not to get stuck in here at the little desk for too long.
You know for one thing, there’s no chocolate in here. . .
(weak, wobbly smile)
[album 65561 Burnt hill Robbie.JPG]