Its been over 16 years since I last wrote here. A lot has happened since then. As the title indicates, during that time I lost my mom and then my wife. They both passed in 2017. A part of me also died then. In fact, since then, I even changed my legal name and gender. I now have 3 kids, now all in their teens. I now work in mental health/social work.

A few years ago I started having some very salient spiritual experiences and I mostly accept that there is something more now. Nowadays, when Im not helping clients, I spend time singing, going out in nature and watching a lot of science YouTube.

I looked back at some of my old entries and they all seem pretty cringe. I regret how I interacted with others a lot. I sometimes am baffled at how I could be so callous and ungrateful for what i had back then.

I wish I could go back to 2009 to see Michelle and my mom one more time to tell Im sorry for all the dumb things I said and done. Retrospect is a b****.

As i ground myself here in the present, I am grateful to have the kids I have, my health, my job and my home. Most days, the emotional turmoil I suffer isn't for me but for others. I see firsthand, 5 days a week, the struggles others in my community go through. The news doesn't offer any solace given all the crazy developments. I just pray daily for the strength to do all that I can to make those in my tiny sphere of influence a little bit better. I cant go back to undo things but I can make now and the future better.

Thank you for any time you spent here with me. It is appreciate.