So today is halloween. I love this holiday. Though I won't be able to trick or treat due to class, I enjoy seeing people in costumes. However, few then I expected dressed up here on campus. Just the usual light sweaters and pants. Its in the 70's today. That is what I love about Sacramento, the weather is awesome. If I weren't working, I'd be wearing shorts. *though still a sweater* I adhor pants. I feel constrained in pants, sweaters and shoes. I need some fresh breeze on my body. I feel slightly more alive that way.

In other stuff, was doing a lot of thinking on the bus about myself and my inner conflicts. You know, if you were to plot it out using the Big 5 personality traits, what I really want to express is the complete opposite of who I am. *well, almost* Ofcourse, I'm supposed to be balanced to be happy but I know that I am way too introverted and disagreeable to be balanced. *well why don't you just do the opposite* If it were only so easy.

I guess it'd be easier if I wasn't so tramatized. I think this is the first time that I have really acknowledged this. I always believed that all the bad stuff that happened to me and all the neglect I experienced as a child was somehow overcame. Though really, the root of my problems stem from compensating for what was lacking in my life. I mean, me and Michelle have intellectually talked about this before, but it never really hit me. *wait* Maybe it has. I think I wrote about it before. Though I repress it because it is too painful to walk around thinking about the lack of family, friends, and even socioeconomic status. I mean, when I hear someone talking about how they had such a great weekend with thier family, I have to move away or otherwise ignore them or feel envy and sadness.

You know what is funny? I was reading my psych book and it said that depressed people are typically more honest to themselves. They have less of the self-serving bias. Oh, you got to read about the self-serving bias. GO!

Yeah....I suppose it is more adaptive to believe you are the best or that things will go your way or that everyone is focused on you. I mean, I used to really hate those people. Now, I wish I was them. The defenses help us not to have to face the cold realities like your life could've been better had your family acted more maturely or that you never became who you wanted to be. *and most don't* The solution is