On a different note, talked to Ray (my good friend) and had quite the deep conversation. He asked me how it was going and I told him about how I was critiqued online about the whole adoption thing and how Ms. Fong believes in doing unquestioning good. He essentially does what he always does and took the middle ground on the adoption thing. He understood why I would want to but ultimately explained why he thought it would've been really selfish to do so. Basically, we talked about him and his absent father. Without disclosing too much of his personal details, he said that it created a lot of pain for him and that despite all of that, he forgave him. Also having an absent father myself, I explained that I didn't forgive him for his selfishness. At the same time, I reasoned with him that trying to give up a child for adoption is more considerate than outright abandoning a child. He agreed but noted that it still created pain nonetheless. I again had to reiterate that I did keep lil Tinoz. (yeah, I felt a bit defensive)

We talked quite a bit on the subject of forgiveness. I agreed that I should forgive, but that I can say the words but emotionally I don't forgive him or my older brother for the crap they did. (if your really interested in why my older brother, you'll have to comment me and I'll explain, its a long story...) Anyhow, we basically concluded that I do the right thing almost out of spite. *lol* I don't try to hurt others because then that would make them just like them. I almost justify my hurt. He then told me that I need to be around more positive people who are trying to do the right thing and that that would rub off on me. I explained that I really don't trust people. (he knows this already) I also explain how basically everyone I ever met has, for whatever reason, not stuck around and tried to rub that positiveness on me. So while logically, I know that being negative and somewhat selfish is wrong, its hard to actually undo that as I've tried to protect myself so much. (as it was adaptive then) He basically restates his case for being more pro-social. Michelle needed me so I had to go. He went off to close the sabbath with some friends and to play Monopoly after, which I had hoped he invited me but didn't want to be a sixth toe about it. (even though I don't think the sabbath needs to be closed) I think it was less that then he probaly thought I wouldn't want to be around all those religious folks, being how atheistic I am.

Besides that,I think I should restate what I mean by saying I don't want advice. I think I should've put the word criticism instead. I am knowledgeable about my shortcomings. I am ok with someone attempting to say that I should change, but I believe it all has to do with the methodology. Simply restating how wrong I am to think, act or feel a certain way is not advice, it is criticism. Advice actually addresses the problem and offers a way to solve it, and comes from a place of love. No, no one is obligated to do anything about my own problems I created or find myself in. Yet, if help is what you seek to give, please let it be worded in such a way where it will be of assistance. Telling someone who is drowning that they are drowning and had better start swimming their ass off may technically be advice, but saying "you could do it" is actually helpful, and actually jumping in even more helpful.

Ofcourse, sometimes (most of the time) people need to deal with thier own adversity but if you can't even be somewhat encouraging, your not helping, even if you really don't want them to drown. However, they are a select few that I will accept criticism from, but that is only because they've earned the right. (think of how a really close friend or family member who's been there can sometimes say something that if a total stranger told you, you'd be completely offended but since you know they care for you, you know it comes from a place of love and not a place of coldness) I think if the same words came from kaliko, I would've responded quite differently than I did with richardsworld. Anyhow, that mini-drama is over with, I have more important things to do, like find that joy so lil tinoz can too. Thank you all.