Well, my psych class had me thinking about myself alot. The professor went into a bunch of issues involved in subconscious thought and psychological defenses. As I sat there listening, I thought to myself, what is in my subconscious? I think I know. THough it is said that you will never completly know what is in there. There's that and how some of what we think is actually certain thoughts from others in society. The more I think about my values and all this mumbo jumbo, I worry a bit. What is me? I mean, what is the part of me that doesn't reflect my culture and my animal instincts? My logic say, "Your ego, duh!"

Though its more complicated than that. That's just the negotiator between what I want and what society allows. What is it that never changes. You know, that unchanging thing that was there when you were 5, now, and will always be you. Religous folk would call that the soul. I know that, but what are the details of it. My temperment? No, that has changed too. I used to be more of a judger and now I'm more of a perciever. I mean, what is that thing that makes me truely unique besides my traits and hobbies?

I know there are some familiar things that have been with me for a long time. I've always wanted to belong but never felt I did. Though that isn't uncommon. I always wanted to help. That too is evident in others. Is it the way I express my emotions that make me "ME"? Not really. When I'm happy, I am more pleasent and helpful. I smile. Who doesn't? Well, maybe not the helpful part, but I know my combination of traits can be matched as well as the expression.

Something about trying to search the "ME"ness in myself makes me refer to the outside. We are such comparative beings. Like we must meausre ourselves to some chart and place ourselves on some spectrum in relation to other humans. Its like I just can't accept that I am what I am. Period. End of story. I want to be able to describe that. I guess at some level, that isn't possible.

In something slightly related, I wonder if I could ever get over these inner desires of mines. Its like an internal bowl with a leak. I want it to stay full but as time goes on, it empties and I need more and more to be put into my internal bowl so I will be ok. And that's only ok. Only at its very peak, am I happy. Thus, happiness is a fleeting emotion for me. Contentness with some in the bowl would be the solution, but somehow my "ID/selfish part" wants more and more.

The stuff in the bowl varies from time to time. Though most of the time, it is seeking love. Love not just from one *which I currently have* but love from many. Though the irony of the situation is that love comes to those that already have it for themselves. I think I love myself. Sounds odd and slightly neurotic. Just, the amount of love for myself varies. Usually on the downward side. Why isn't it high you might be thinking? Well, I think its because I have this standard *likely caused by society* to be more genuine, generous person. Not finacially generous per se, but just compassion in action. I know what the right thing is. Just I'm not doing it. I let the laziness take over. I know I could find time if I really wanted. Anyone could find time for something they really wanted. So the laziness is selfishness in disguise. The ideals are nothing without action. I could want to help those in need. Though the real difference between genuinely good and just plain nice are those who go out and make a difference.

Knowing all this, I still will be lazy. That's what angers me about me. That's the part of me that doesn't love me. I'm selfish. Even as I type this entry, I could be doing something higher. Nope, not me. I only do good when in the mood at best. What kind of person is that?! I hate people like that! If only because it reflects the part of me I hate. I need to do things based on principles, not mood. .................................