Not sure to begin really. Has been a real up and down week for me. Classes going well and not. My relationship with michelle is improving. My mom's health is decreasing. She wants to go to the hospital tomorrow. *she seen spots and nearly fainted* I personally feel happy and sad. What sucks is that I feel restricted in what I want to say. *the obvious problem with sharing your diary with others* I doubt anyone but michelle reads this, but you never know. I know I shouldn't care and be me because this is what it is about. Being yourself but, I can't. I'm self consious like that.

Well, I can say this, I'm having alot of contradictions in my life. Living ways that God maybe didn't intend for me. *maybe? who am I kidding* I'm stuck between picking what society wants from me and what I want from me. ANyways, I'm not sure why i'm writing this entry. I know I'm not going to post what I really want to talk about anyways. My other reason, last time I lost alot of friends for talking about it. Even those that I consider geniune friends that stuck with me aren't really here for me right now. Not to diss anyone or everyone all at once. It's just that.... i dunno. Maybe I expect more out of people than is resonable. If I could just be more like Michelle and just accept that, I'd be just find. I hate to admit it but I think michelle was right, "can't expect the world to love you". While logically, I know better than that, I like that idea. IThat's just the way I am.

Geez, I'm suppose to know better than all this. I dish out all this advice to others yet can't listen to anything I believe or what others say. You know, its so hard for me to stop from becoming bitter or cold. Anyways, there is other stuff I wanted to document.

Up to this point in the semester, I'm geting an A in Biology. Probaly a B+ in Statistics. An A in Theatre Arts. Probaly a B in Social Science. As for finaces, things are a little on the tight side for me and Michelle and she is going to try to get some money from her dad. My offline friend base is non-exsistant at this point. Maybe I should've never cut off Ray. I have Alex, but since he don't go to college any more, its hard to hang out and he likes face to face, not phone or messenger. Danielle hasn't answered my emails. Donald has his own issues and he is only useful when talking about sports. Jeff and I just don't click anymore. Too much tension and ockwardness. Besides, he's horrible at returning calls or keeping his word. That about sums it up. Since in person I'm pretty private, most of them have no idea how I feel or who I really am. To be honest, I think they're just too lost themselves to help find me.

THat's about it. I want to thank everyone for their prayers. Everyone else, no sure, thanks for well intentions. *that is, if you wanted good for me* I'm done griping and apologize for wasting your time