So here I am, in a lil better mood than yesterday. I guess that's due to alot of time with Michelle and not having to do to much today. Not anything new. Well, me and Michelle ended up disscusing how she wouldn't mind doing what one of my friends do which is be a paid dominatrix. Yeah, sounds weird for someone who is trying to find her spirituality, but at the same time, life doesn't pay for itself. The idea came up after I was talking to my friend online. *not sure if she wants her name known or not* I dunno, society sends us all kinds of messages about what is right and what isn't. I mean, how much should we care. Society certainly doesn't care about us, unless its to fulfill some need. It all puts into question whether we believe God is who the christians say. I mean, otherwise, what's the harm?

In other news, life still sucks. Still don't have a bed. *unless a blanket over a rug counts* Yeah, seriously we don't. Got the couchs from my big brother, who was going to throw them out. Not given to me though, but my mom. So when she leaves, no more couchs. The more we talk, the more likely it seems she'll move soon. That'd leave us with rent of $***. So hopefully we could afford that.

Chrissy asked me why I said in my last entry "I don't understand you cuz you say that ur online friends don't outrank your offline friends- ur real life friends and yet you say that what we say means more than we know- hmmm not understanding that" Ok, good point. Let me explain. For the longest time, I believed that online friends were alot better than offline ones. However, when I became homeless and stuff I started to rethink the whole concept. The ones that are really there for me are the ones that know me in real life. Online is just words, comforting loving words, but words nonetheless. Still with people on the other side, so its confusing. Finally, I decided to think of it like this, people online give better emotional intimacy and have a special place in my heart and offline people could probaly never be there. BUT, when its all on the line, people offline are actually able to help. Also, I value my online friends alot and sometimes I believe I don't let them know how much I'd miss them if they ever stopped talking to me. I think its just my own way of protecting myself. For example, I miss certain people who used to talk to me alot, like janedoe, aka, annette, aka spunga. There's also honey, who now is back on my notify list, but I don't hear from because she's really busy. There are more, but really you get the point.

I have squandered a lot of friendships over the last few years. The only two who have stood the test of time with me is jenjea and kaliko. 2 polar opposite personalities, yet they're still my friend. Though I'm sure they'd bond over the issue of video games. Also, speaking of squandered, I think I shouldn't have dissed former best friend Ray. Sure he had his walls up high, but he was an interesting intellectual. ANd where the heck is niels lately. Ok, I'm rambling and off point. Point is, uhhh, I dunno. Maybe I scare people away because I'm an emotionally needy person. I try to have people be my best friend and then when they get close to me, they see that maybe I expect too much, which I think I do and I'm working on it. Plus I'm not as available as I used to be. I hate that. I have friends like Chrissy who are going through tough times and I can't be online to make her feel better. So if in the future, we don't work out people, its not you, its me. Its the one minute christian, next minute agnostic guy's fault. I'm not sure who I am sometimes. Am I sad or angry? Liberal or conservative? Depressed or just fine? Selfish or selfless? Now I know what John Kerry feels like. *lame joke drumroll please* Though you'll never hear me talk about Vietnam.

P.S., 4 have stood the test of time, the other 2 being Michelle and MsAshley