What to write, what to write. Well, me and Michelle arguing again. What else is new. Its very much a love hate relationship. Logically, it really should be over. Really! I think that people stay in screwy relationships because its really hard to find someone you can really talk to. Conceptually, it should be easy. I have lots of online friends and even this online diary. I know quite a few people in real life too. The talking should be easy. EVERYONE says that you can just talk to them. Really. Go to a chat room and say I really need to talk to someone. From there, someone will say that you can trust them and all that stuff. But its the from there that is the problem. Its hard to find someone that talks to you the way you like to be talked to and is on the same emotional and logical level. Plus there is a whole trust thing there too. Like you got to feel that you can really tell them your stuff without feeling that they think they're superior to you or that inversely, they are way worse than you. Plus its just timing. Sometimes I think if I would've met some people at a different time in my life, it would've been a different friendship or even a relationship.

Besides all that, I'm still really looking hard for a job. Mostly with the State or county. I like the benefit packages and their system seems more fair than what private companies are like. Just want to be some office clerk where maybe I talk to some customers for around 2000 a month. I got the skills for it. In time, something will come through.

In other news, my mom hasn't paid any rent for the month of September. Nor has she paid any bills. But, she has had enough for constant beers and junk from the stores. If I don't start recieving money in 2 weeks......... I think I will have to kick her out. I can't afford her and my 2 other siblings. I can't. I'm unemployed and living off of savings. She has even turned down a job because it was 20 miles away. It paid decent but she didn't want to. Instead, she moops around about how she just wants to die. That brings us down and she just brings problems with her. I can't help her because she doesn't want MY help. And psychologically, you can't help people that don't want your help. DUH. That is my problem sometimes is that I hate seeing people where I think I can help and I try to help. Alot of times, people have to make thier decisions for themselves. Anyways, we'll see what happens. Unless my mom strikes it rich, I don't see where the hell she's gonna find over 1,200 that she owes me. I hate to be in the damn position, but honestly, I should've known better.

On the God front, I'm basically still in the same place. Constantly, I think about all sorts of questions relating to reasons why things happen. I struggle to see the reason why some people die or some people are rich. It all is suppose to have a reason. A good reason. Otherwise, where is the hope? My grandma is just dead? I will die and my life will have meant nothing. This whole thing of exsistance is just here because molecues are expressing themselves?! God gives reason for this but then why does DNA point to us being related to other animals? I dunno. To be continued.................