Well, just like I thought, today was crappy. Always is. Reason, this day rubs in the fact that I got no one. Well, atleast I got friends. THat is good. Last Valentine's day, that wouldn't be plural. All I had was a friend.

This year I also got cards from the girls in the group. Most included lollipops and such. One thing I got, them sweetheart candies, were paticularly fun. Reason, I wrote on the candy what I thought was apporiate. One said, My girl, I changed it to "no girl" Among other changes. Tomorrow, I will scan and upload. I got many. Me, Danielle, and Awilda were having lots of fun with it. Danielle wrote "I hate sweethearts" on the box. Awilda burned part of the box. I did the writing. *none of us have anyone* No, I don't like them like that either.

So after that fun, went to weight training. Was ok. One part lowered my self-esteem. This guy seen what I was lifting and said to put more. I said I can't. He then called me a pussy. TWICE!! I pretended to ignore it, but it hurted on the inside. Even my friend Donald heard him. So eventually I finish routine and get out.

After quite some time, me and Jeff head home. We talk, everything seemed ok. We hoped on the bus and talked some more. That is where we argued. I was telling him about the commandments and how you cant be saved simply by following the law. I then told him, I bet you have dishonored your parents many times. *WRONG CHOICE OF WORDS* He took it the wrong way. He didn't even talk to me after that. I had got off the bus to apologize. He told me that my apology wasn't good enough. So I walk off until I remember forgiving him for his apology. So I go. He is on phone and doesn't want to hear me. Tells me he'll see me Tuesday. So I walk off slowly.

I went to the bus stop hoping that he'd show up and apologize. He didn't. As I sat there, I realized that I may be too emotionally attached to him. Like even at school, I look for him, even when there are other friends around. Among other things. I for some reason felt as though my whole world had crumbled. Even though he's just a friend. After that, a small thought of suicide flashed in my head. I thought, wait, I don't wanna die, I just want the pain to go away. So I shook that off and grabed the bus.

Went home feeling sad cause I felt as though I lost him as a friend and I can't even get mad at him cause he could use what he knows against me and tear me apart just by using words. SO I arrive when my mom calls. She is VERY concerend. Apparently, Jeff had called and was very concered about apologizing to me. SO concerned that he talked with my mom for a bit. She asked what had happened. I told her, "STUFF" She asked if I had got hurt, I told her no. So she asks about dinner and other small stuff. Gets off. I decide to call Jeff.

Jeff immediately apologizes. We talk, he makes me feel a lil down. He asked if I was still suicidal. Told him no. *I had made a lil gesture ealier in day actually* So he finds ways to make me laugh and watch basketball game. He has to get off but says he will call at 10:30. He does. Talk some more, is nice to have him be a friend again.

Oh, never did go to bible study. I did see the study group though. They invited me to some Friday thing. I said I may show up at first. Then Rebecca asked VERY nicely if I would come. I said YEAH! So tomorrow I probaly go to that.

Geez, what a day. Too emotional for me. I'm glad its over. This stuff is affecting my grades. I can't concentrate as well I think. Still have edge over almost every friend, just I'm not at such a high level as I once was. Spiritually, I got the ideas, just I don't through. Its like God is saying, do this TINO. I say, nah. Yet, I am always telling Jeff to listen more to God. Ha, I'm so phoney. Anyways, I'm SO SO tired, tomorrow, them modified sweetheart candies. That is all. ~END~