Dear Diary,

I feel like crap right now. So hurt, yet so angry. As a matter of fact, right now, i still have glazed eyes. What happened? Ok, let me explain.

So I'm on the net chatting when Jeff calls. *best friend at that moment* So I stop chatting. I talk to him. I ask him why he wasn't at school, says he woke up too late. So things seem ok till my lil sis leaves my room. THat is when he asks me to make a cd for him. I told him I wouldn't and couldn't. Wouldn't cause I'm still mad at him for dissing me Saturday. COuldnt cause I had no blank cds. ANyways, he then tells me that he talked to his mom and his mom said that he can only spend money on two of his friends. Thomas and Caleb. So I question this. He says cause they given him rides places and he knew them longer. So I get upset. I'm like, so treating you, making you cds, and being there when you needed an ear means nothing? He says, "It's my mom that made this up" I'm like, "you didn't defend me?" He says, "It's her money" I tell him that once she hands him the money, its his. Apprantly she can tell him what to do with it. *I Can't believe he still lets her do this, he's 20 years old* I say, "well, you don't have to spend on just them, isn't like she would know" He says he isn't gonna go against his mom. *He's turning it into me telling him to turn on his mom* So I say, "That's messed up, I do all these things and your gonna be like that to me?" So then he gets mad. Yes, him mad. He says, "A true friend is ok with the fact that if a friend can't pay for him" He then goes on about some crap about me going into a tandrum and trying to get him back by hanging out with Eliza. *WTF!* He then says, "until you can accept that I'm not turning on my mom, I'm through with you, BYE" he then hangs up the phone.

I call back. I get his machine. I leave the following message : "Jeff, its obvious that were not gonna work this out. Were heading in different directions I guess. I dunno. All I can say is that That is messed up and don't look for me tomorrow. You were a good friend" I then hang up.

NOw that I think of it, I could've came up with way better, but I'm not that good on answering machines. Anyways, after I got off I went on my bed for awhile to rethink things. Thinking if I need to back down or stand my ground. I'm gonna stand my ground. Reason, I've back down enough. I don't think asking him to pay half the time is unreasonable. Also, I'm not gonna hangout with someone so bound to their mom that it affects thier friendships. It's enough dealing with people on a one-on-one basis.

How ironic, annette was telling me today how good I am at working things out. Just thought I'd type that. Anyways, I feel awful. I've never lost a friend. Especially someone I was so close to. HEck, he knows everything about me. The only person to know more than 10% of me. I guess this is one of life's lessons. I knew it'd be harsh when I did learn a lesson, but I had no idea I'd feel like this. I'm surprised I even have the ability to feel like this for anyone. A year ago, I thought hurt feelings was just a bunch of baloney you see on tv. Never really had my feelings hurt till recently. Sucks! MAkes me want to close up to everyone forever. Makes me want to keep things about me just to me. Safer that way. Anyways, I'm tired of rambling on here.

Actually no, I'm not. Maybe I'll talk about how I want to get back. *darker side of me* I'll leave him alone, but if he starts to even attempt to make me look bad or something, I know what will get him. I will have the group shun him. OH yes, i have that ability. Especially since alot of them already kinda don't like him. I'm way closer to them then he is. He knows this. That is why he wanted to split from the group awhile ago. I know, sounds mean and cruel. Not like me. I know... Just I almost want him to feel as hurt or more. Irrational, yes. Do I care? Not really. I better stop it, I'm already delighting in the way he could be shun. *he hates not being apart of a group* RIP MY HEART WILL YOU! We'll see. Will be interesting. HE has a class tomorrow with me. *weight training* I'll decide what I'm gonna do from there. Hopefully, were ok and just keep distance. I don't wanna hurt him. I don't want to be "unchristian" I don't want to be the mean person. Just, I don't know what will happen if he tries to mess with me or my standing with the group. Pray that things go cool. Cause I don't want the darker side of me doing something crazy. THAT IS ALL! ~END~