Well, as I type this, Michelle is mad at me. Why? Well, because I doubted that she talked about me to her friends. The reason I doubted was because she had me on 3-way with her friend but didn't want me to talk. I dunno, I wondered why. She then calls her friend up and asks her if she ever talks about me. Her friend says yeah and wonders why she is asking about that out of nowhere. THen michelle tells her that i'm on the other line. Her friend is kinda in shock that I am indeed on the other line. Michelle then tells her she will explain later. After accidently hanging up on me, she calls me back and is upset with me because I didn't believe her. Though I was more concerned about her going out to party than her telling her friend. She didn't give me a chance to talk and hung up.

So after that, I run on computer and get the number. Call back. Her mom answers. I hang up. I decide not to call again. So now here I am thinking about my issues. Its hard to totally trust, though she hasn't given me one reason not to trust her. SHe has told me things even when she knew they could cause an arguement.

I'm so upset with myself. I have an inability to totally trust. I guess I'm scared because if I do and she does decide to lie, I'd totally buy it. I'm so scared of being totally blinded and not see something coming. Because if something happened and I didn't see it coming, I'd be crushed. I'd live and all that, but internally, I'd be a disaster for about a week. Eventually I'd move on and all that, but then it'd change my behavior despite my logic saying that things happen and that if something happens to deal with it and move on.

I personally think none of this would be like this though if it were a "in person" relationship. Just that this whole relationship involves me giving faith and trust. SOmething I couldn't even do for God... So it all comes down to me and my trust issues. Either get over them somehow or ruin good things to come in my life. I'm SO STUPID!!!! Just believe is all I have to STINKIN do. Why can't I just do that. SO EASY. ARGH!!!!! sorry michelle, sorry GOD,....sorry whoever else I didn't trust. I'm SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is all I can say. If that isn't good enough, I dunno what I'm gonna do. I don't. *maybe start trusting* Well eventually I wanna totally have faith. Just I hope everyone, everything is patient with me. *something that will be hard for Michelle since she isn't patient* Something she will have to learn. As for God, I know he's patient. I'm happy about that. Anyways, I have to get ready for work. Love you Michelle, LOVE you God, ~END~