Wow, so many comments. *9 in all* I think I got back to all of you for the most part. Though I'm not sure if I said thank you. So yeah, THANK YOU. Thanks for the advice, well wishes and for offering to throw a DD baby shower. *much to my surprise, given my relatively low expectations of online people* No offense. I have low expectations of offline people too. Just ask Ray. So yeah, that'd be cool. Like I told salted *did I tell her?* that I was gonna plan a date once we know the gender of the baby. *they say we'd have to wait till the 5th month* On that date, I'd tell the people who want to give stuff to send stuff and I'd open all the stuff at the same time on camcorder and hope that I could upload it.

So, besides all that, today was the first real day of college. *Thurday was only a sylabus in Developmental Psych* Today as I was walking to Psych analysis of Research data *what a mouth full*, I was having all sorts of self-doubt. I know I'm rusty in Math and only did so-so in my previous research methods class. So I go to class wondering if I still have the magic. Which is typical of me during the start of the school year because sometimes I feel like perhaps I'm not smart enough to be in college. At the same time, I battle feelings of pessimissim about my future. I wonder if my paltry 3.4 GPA will be enough for grad school. *in psych, its really competitive to get to the top schools*

I enter class and the lecture starts. I have butterflys in my stomach because I'm worried that maybe I really don't know anything. However, once the actual lecture began, I was able to keep pace with it and solve a few of the theorical problems posed in class, as well as be among the first to solve it. So I felt a lil reassured as a lot of students still seemed baffled about how to understand how to find the relative cumlative frequency of this particluar data set.

After class, I was starving. *I work from 8:30-11:30* then I travel to Davis and get there at 1:30. I have class from 2-8PM. As you see, there is little time to get food. So I run to my Environmental Awareness class and lay my backpack and get a cookie. Was hungry still and then, Michelle walked in. She has the class as well. She has M&M's and Twix. YAY! So got to learn how gazing behaviors affect global warming. *come again?* People drive SUV's for the status of strangers looking at them and thus, they contribute to global warming. *that's the short of his 2 hour lecture* After, I have abnormal psych.

Abnormal psych is perhaps the class I look forward to the most. I loved learning about the various psychological problems people have. *I'm weird like that* Though many of the classes I have taken have already gone into this, this is more tedious in that you got to memorize particularties of the particualar disease. *Like the qualifications for schziophrenia in the DSM* So the class is fast paced and Michelle had the teacher and she got an uncharacteristic C. I hope to learn from her mistakes.

In class, I reflected on my own problems. I realize that I have too much self-doubt and pessimissm. Perhaps even more strongly, I realize that I'm very anti-social. Something that is even more evident whenever I hang around Ray. He's an idealist. *maybe a lil too idealistic* Though its nice to be around those kind of people. I know that where the anti-social comes from. Its my defense mechanism to protect myself from being hurt by people because I've been disappointed by most I've encountered. *for whatever reason* Though knowing doesn't really fix it. I guess I need to believe in humankind again. I'm thinking that Ray being nice and you guys offering to help me is helping. HOwever, I'm still in sort of in disbelief. This disbelief is another defense mechanism I use so I can avoid getting my hopes dashed; something that makes me farily depressed. *what is the cognition in that?* That if no one wants to help me when I'm in need, then I'm not loved.

It sounds kinda illogical being aware of that. SOunds a lil pathetic too if you ask me. Like, come on, that's not true. Don't be such a baby. You'll be ok eventually. Though that hope of being ok hinges on believing things turning out ok. *as in being optimistic* Anyways, Michelle made some dinner for me and I'm about to eat it. Thank you people for everything. Take care.