Do you too ever have confusion as to which two/to/too you should use to address your audience? Do you have erections lasting more than 4 hours? Do you have bladder control issues? Then you're well on your way to being just as maladjusted. *actually, I don't want to know, its retorical, however you spell it.* Just thought these were things you might want to think about. Hmm, the whole paragraph is a non-sequitar if you really read it. Then I was like, OMG, my BFF IMed my BF her ASL and a ;).

Alright alright, I just went a lil crazy there, being as maladjusted as I am. Anways, prepared to be depressed, then critical, then bored, then educated to only return to depressed. Hey, its not MY fault you didn't take your prozac earlier. Anyways, here you go:

The last few days, I've tried just about everything to recover the laptop and those pills. Kaiser eventually relented and give up the pills, minus the testostrone. (the most expensive one, though I have some here as not my whole supply was there afterall, just 1 month vs 3) So that is the good news. All of it.

Lo Jack said that since i didn't install the software, the info in my bios is dormant. So they can't track it. The cops STILL haven't got back to me at all about anything. I still am trying to get them to review the nearby train station's cameras. Gateway hasn't heard anything yet. *I don't think the thief would call them*

Michelle talked to her dad and told him about the laptop. Without even being asked he said, "don't even think of asking me for another one" Didn't expect the first one, he sure in the hell isn't gonna buy us a second one. He still seems reluctant to buy any clothes or anything for our upcoming baby. He wasn't asked but put it out there that he isn't responsible at all for buying the baby stuff. I have personally told Michelle that if he continues his negative attitude about the baby and doesn't want to buy his grandchild something, that I don't want him visiting. He and the rest of them bring a sort of negativity that I thought was exaggerated by Michelle. Babies usually change people, but then again, asian culture is a lil more harsher than most outsiders think. (well, many immigrants are fairly rigid....and yes, i know they don't represent their entire ethnicity) Anyways, we don't need stuff from them but this would be the latest in a sting of hostile acts that I don't want to expose to my son. We'll see...

Talked to my mom and told her. She was sad to hear about the laptop and says she will try to keep an eye out for a cheap one and maybe buy a cheap one for me. That was a nice gesture, but my mom is known for those. Actual follow-through would be a welcome shock. She does get large rebate checks from her income tax returns, but I dunno if she can afford it. Actually, let me rephrase that, she can afford it, but she mismanages money worse than a 5 year old at a toy store. I don't expect her to buy it. Don't even want her to buy it. I dunno. I'm tired of having expectations w/ her. She can do whatever she is inclined to do.

ANyways....seems I'm not the only victim of a crime this week in the family. Vanessa (my lil sister) was called early in the morning and her dorky butt gave out her bank number AND the security number for her debit card. She ran to the nearby BofA and closed her account. $50 was already withdrawn. She should know better, but I guess she didn't. We don't really talk anymore, so I don't know where her head is. *why?* Some of it is my allegiance with Michelle as when we lived with each other, who's side was I biased to? Though it didn't help that Vanessa led to the destruction of my first laptop, has taken my older brother's side even before Michelle and her not buying me anything with her pay checks, despite the amount of time and money I spent on her. Again, it really isn't the need aspect. I don't need her money. I don't need any gifts. I look at those things as displays of how you feel about a person. I mean, really, a gift you give someone really isn't gonna make or break them. Nor is it gonna make the giftgiver go broke. At the end, I look at gifts as a symbolic gesture of connectiveness and mutual care. Especially when they give gifts to others who are supposed to be on equal footing as you, but neglect you. So yea.... I'm sure Michelle has quite a list of things she did to her that I just haven't bothered to remember that also didn't help. But yea... *is it her fault?* Most problems within relationships are caused by both. One holds more responsiblity than the other. We both should've done more. However, we both hold no anomosity towards each other and still can have a decent convo.

Went on a lil longer than that I thought I would on that. SO yea... perhaps my mood is evident in my writing. I see a bit of negative skew there. Its really unfortunate that this place *earth* has turned out like this. Chasing out own goals not seeing that we all share them and would do better if we caught each other. *sigh* I see my family in the same light. We were all too occupied with trying to look out for our needs that we didn't see that what we had the same goals and that we would do better to achieve them working together. What was lacking was real leadership. Someone who had the group's interests at heart over the wants of the individual. If there is a heaven, I believe God's role would be to remind us that doing the right thing for another is also doing the right thing for ourself. Its what I call psychological karma. *not to be confused w/ direct consequences for what you did via God/devil dishing it back to you* You reap what you sow. Put out positive, and you you feel positive. Its like they teach in psychology: A negative person puts out anger to others, others respond to anger with anger in return. The person then feels even more negativity and creates a vicious cycle. *even reacts with the body and creates things like coronary heart disease* I believe the opposite is true too. Putting out good puts out even more good, that's how I think some people can be so joyous. I mean, you don't even feel like being mean to them as they put out such a vibe. I'm sure someone could get a doctoral degree by correlating volunteerism/optimism with good physical health. If I go that far, I'd like to do one of those obvious studies myself. Besides that....

Sometimes I get sad, like now, that I realize that some people actually had/have great leadership they could turn to when the chips are down. *like an understanding grandma* THough I'm just as sure that some people wish they were me. Its a delicate balance between striving for more and being just plain selfish. I know I am out of balance in terms of strongly wanting to be desired and cared for. I realize that my past is a large counterbalance. The weight is not as easy as it would seem. Long standing inadequacies typically lead to overcompensating. Underneath the arrogant person is someone who in the past usually didn't have enough praise. As for me, it will take quite a few years even with what I know to be where I should be. My past damage is quite extensive. If my past has caused 200,000,000 neurons to say how inadequate I am, I have a good 110,000,000 there to reassure me. Part of the problem with recruting other neurons is that they want outside validation from other neurons in other heads. Makes no sense really. In reality, those 200,000,000 neurons are all lies, period. Yet, deleting them involves deleting me. The problem is, deleting the past leads to no real line of consistency in personality terms. I am in a sense what happened to me. And it isn't like neurons literally get deleted. In fact, visiting them only makes the connections only stronger. *seriously, it does, the more you rehearse something in your head, the more strong the neural network becomes* Thus, as I told kaliko, the real solution is surrender. I must not visit it them anymore. It also means deleting those that sooth me as they too are reminders of what happened and what I want. But then? I'm an atheist for the most part....Do I just sit here and meditate? Just learn to be?!! I can't just be because I know of the impending destruction of the universe in just 50 or so years. *wtf?* I'm 26, the life expentancy is not that great for males. The universe is all that I percieve. When I die, for as much as I know, the universe stops exsisting. My "un"okness with being grass means I can not just sit and look at this impending disaster with disinterest. The joy I should feel by just living is tempered by the fact that I know I won't see all that I want to see, do everything I wanted to do, feel all that I wanted to feel. So yea....I think I can overcome conflict quite easily as I am quite peaceful for the most part in my head. *minus a desire for drama now and then* But then? Then what? *voice from above* "You had it earlier, you're suppose to just connect with others. Period. End of story. You're built to connect, so damn the torpedos and give positiveness to get positiveness. YOu won't know the end came so you never have to consciously deal with the end. So just be." Yes God. LOL! My prefrontal cortex is awesome, ain't it?! *wiki it, you'll see* I'll do it for you.

"The most typical neurologic term for functions carried out by the pre-frontal cortex area is executive function. Executive function relates to abilities to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions" Aha, my hippocampus correctly used the term in a sentance. My temporal lobe is creating the illusion of applause. Anyways, I should sleep. Only I would ramble on about my life in terms of neuroscience. LOL. Dr. Mangun would be proud.