I have noticed that I have a tendancy to be able to get real close to most people and be good friends for awhile and then it totally fizzles. THis phenomenon goes for online and offline. There is a pattern to the rise and fall.

It starts usually with the initial communication with the given person. It is positive and we get along great. *I see it as a front ofcourse, but I know it takes time to get behind all that* So we start to hang out for awhile and we're joking, we're giving advice. Offline, people have even did me favors and I always be sure to recpiracate and do stuff for them. Online, we share personal stuff and get all deep. So then after that phase, which usually takes around 4-5 months, it all goes downhill. Online, we chat less even though we see each others online status as available. Offline, we don't hang out any more or talk over the phone. So then, I try to initate something. Online, I'll try to either get on that personal level or go have some fun at some online game. Offline, I try to call them and try to see if they have time to hang out. It'll work the first few times, but then it's like I have to keep trying to get it where it was or even settle for where it is, but that fizzles. Eventually we are like associates and only say hi and bye if that.

While I understand people do have lives and some people like distance, that doesn't explain it all for me. I'm wondering if it's a me deficency or a them deficency. Are they bored of me? Maybe they want someone who is funny and can entertain them. Are they pushing away for other reasons that I don't know? I know I"m not rubbing people the wrong way cause I make sure to stay away from offensive comments and actions.

I'm wondering if they see it as though they already won my friendship and want more people. It's crazy. I've made alot of strides towards improving my social life. I just feel like there is something i'm not seeing. Maybe its cause i expect more of a connection then that person is going to give out. I know I have a tendancy to want to have people see me as they're good friend if not best friend. Thing is, I don't have that much past experience with them, which seems to be a pre-requiste for making a person a "good" or "best" friend.

So much for me and my psychology figuring it out. OH WELL. I'm not a graduate student or anything. Still finishing off the laundry list which is my general education. You'd think I'd be happy having Michelle which is by my side "literally" 24 hours a day. That just makes me want more. It's almost where i need people to really like me. From a psychoanalytical perspective, I'd say that since I did not recieve that from my family, I am looking else where to compensate. From a humanistic perspective, it'd be that now that I have reached love on the pyramid of needs, I want esteem. Finally, from a cognative perspective *sorry, I like psychology*, I think I have misinformation as to the nature of friendship. I have unreasonable expectations of strangers and society in general. Finally, from the christian view, I shouldn't put my faith in man but in God. I should get all the love I need from "him". The rest would come whenever God willed it to be. ANYWAYS, the point is I should find a way to fix that and move on with some would call "real" problems. Those I do have but have no interest in futher discussing those at the moment. *see past entries for those*

If you know me and you think it's you, it probaly isn't. Not you in paticular atleast. I have around 6 people in mind. More offline than on, but who's counting. The reason for that is that is because I have lesser expectations of them and my close online friends are as good as I could hope for, when they are online. Though I wish they'd be online more cause I almost never see them anymore. That is all for now. Thank you for your time. Pray for me if you do pray, if not, wish me luck or something. *though I don't believe in luck, the gesture is appreciated* ~END~