Its been a long since my last entry. What can I say, I'm busy as heck. Though I wish I had time to do more entries, the reality is i usally am exhausted.

Well, I've made my own time and finally got a chance to put an entry. This entry, about how I and others have changed.

It's crazy, a year ago, I wanted a girlfriend, job, lots of friends and to be doing good in school. Well, I have all of the above. Though I have changed. I no longer seek friendship. I have come to realize my friends aren't as close or anything that I wanted. Don't get me wrong, they are ok to hang out with, but with the exception of Alex, none of them give a crap about me or would help me if I was in need. *which I kinda am but that is a whole different entry* With that being the case, I no longer even want to be around anyone. I think I've got to the point where I lost hope in real friendships. I know they exsist but not in my paticular area. THat point being important because my online people my be real nice and really care but I can't really talk to them when I want to, they simply aren't around. This kinda makes me sad when I think of it. Its a sense of hurt. I dunno how to explain it except that I could almost cry because all that I invested into people and not getting much anything in return. I know I shouldn't expect crap in return, and conscienously I don't, subconsciencely I do. Can't quite nullify this illogical feeling.

If it wasn't for Michelle, I'd probaly be worst off than I was earlier. She is keeping me up most the time. We do have our little arguments, but they go away. Kinda scary logically because I put too much of my emotions on Michelle, making me dependant. This sort of need could devestate me if she were to leave me. Though I'm not as insecure as one may think, I still worry.

Well, wanted to write about the change in my friends. Ok, for one, gonna start with Jeff. Wow, has he changed. He went from fellow christian to rocker who smokes, drinks, wants tatoos, pierceings and hooks. He also lamented to me on the phone about being a virgin. I try to kinda let him know there is follies in the way he is leading his life, but I think he doesn't give a hoot. Not that I'm perfect, just trying to consel him on things. He seems like he is skyrocketing downhill, talking about how he is writting depressing songs and wants to be able to drink multiple shots of liquor. Its slightly sadening to me to hear him like this, I remember at one point he was a lot more higher in life.

Another friend is Danielle. She don't even speak to me anymore. I don't even know what I did or didn't do. I see her every now and then but she acts like she don't see me. I bumped into her once and she told me she emailed me and stuff. I told her she I didn't recieve and I check daily. She then tells me she would. SHe eventually does after I send her a short email. Its basically a reply. Since then, I haven't heard a word from her personally, though I know she is getting married in April, and I'm not invited....

Eliza is also different. She no longer talks to me for over 5 minutes. She hardly acknowledges Michelle. She mainly talks to me about superficial stuff and about how she misses her bf.

Jesse doesn't hang out much from what I hear. I seen her about twice. Both times while smoking. She has talked about her disgust in men and how she still hates her job and how Brian annoys her. I don't blame her for hating guys, I think she had faith in me being one of the good guys, and I turn around and diss her and go for MIchelle.

Brian and Donald are about the same, though I view them differently. Brian is simply out for himself, and everyone sees that. Also very critical of everything despite the fact he has no room to talk. Donald is still nice, but I'm thinkin not as nice as he appears. It recently dawned on me that he never treats anyone and never does anything without having to half way manipulate him into doing something.

Alex is maybe the only friend that is about the same and is a decent friend. He always wants me to come over and is easy to talk to, though I doubt I can get that deep with him simply because I try to keep things on the positive side.

Maybe I forgot Ray. He calls sporadically. He kinda checks up on me and stuff. I can get into good conversations with him, but then its maybe once every 3 months. I dunno why we're like that.

As for any online friends, I have no idea. I feel I let them down. Though its hard to find time for them. If only they lived here........

As for me, I think I'm both better and worse. Better in achieving life goals of successful relationship, job and school. Worst in social and spirtual aspects. In a way, I feel its overall worse. I'd rather have social and spirutal and not concrete stuff. So bad spirtually, I typically don't think about God........ Just that depresses me. That is all.......... *lots of dots this entry, huh?*