So in the meanwhile, I was just thinking, she has some nerves. I mean, I never got begged for money in a supermarket. Plus, when I looked in her bag I noticed some chips and Zatarin's rice. Then it dawned on Michelle, "What the hell, she too good to drink the local water?" Its not like we're in New Orleans where there was actually a natural diaster that knocked out the clean water supply. So as we went to line up at checkout, I had to run and get something. I seen her and she had some "Crystal" water. She was also looking at some meat. She seen me and scrambled off to pay for her stuff.

Things like that confuse me. On one hand, I was taught through churches that you help people who ask for help. If they're begging, they must need it. On the other hand, its like, most of the people that have begged me for money were heavier than me and had decent clothes on. As of now, I don't give out money any more. However, I want to get involved with helping people who genuinely need help, like those struck by the hurricane or those in Africa, who are truely dying of starvation, especially children. I also wonder if more cities should outlaw begging like they do in some other cities I was reading about in the news. Psychologically, you can't help them change when you reinforce negative behaviors. If the only way to eat were to get a job, would they still be begging? Plus, there are others that still do beg and have a job and get government assistance. SO it becomes really tricky just trying to help.

I find myself being more cynical. I don't want to be but its like if you're too helpful, people will take advantage of you if you let them. Its tough to say no I'm not going to help you even though I can to someone. Still, I don't like to be like so many people who just say, "fuck them, they'll survive". Then my conscious says, "what would God think of your behavior? What if that was you, you'd want help" So far, I only really help people who look like they are in a bad situation. Like regularly clothes person who needs a quarter to use a pay phone and I actually see they're broken car. Yeah, I seen this guy who said his car was broken down and needed money but the car was no where to be seen. Plus, you see the genuine look of panic in someone in that situation. Regular beggars tend to just ask casually. Or, the "smart" ones start by getting you into a conversation and then asking.

Besides all that junk, life's been alright. Changed a class so now I'm taking Psychology of Women. Still taking my other psych class that teaches theraputic methods using the "creative arts". Its not as gay as it sounds, seriously. My friend Alex laughed a lil when I told him the class like, "why you taking that?!" Its one of the few classes I've tooken so far that teaches how to conduct some therapy and frankly, I'm excited about it. It seems like it could work too. Finally I'm sorta getting out of classes that just blab on and on about theorist and concepts. Give me real life situations and teach me to grow. So yeah.........

In other news, I think I'm finally caught up on reading diaries. Its hard because you have so much to do in a day and then some people update a lot and you lose track. While some of you don't update enough and that could be annoying. Rather have someone that updates too much than not enough. I don't know how many people I've stopped reading because they're entries are like 2 entries a month, if that. Besides kaliko, I've dumped them off my schedule. Certain people get exceptions. Plus, only can read so many diaries. I'm near my max at 10 diaries. That's where I draw the line. Otherwise, i'm stuck reading half of deardiary.

So that was pointless but I feel like writing, so there it is. I'm still a lil freaked about the concept of death but I'm not focusing as much on it. Just I get all tripped out at night sometimes. At the same token, I understand why people would like to commit suicide. Life's a beach and people can really make you feel like shit. Though I think I overcame that idea after I realized that when I'm thinking about suicide, I want change in my life. I mean, I think of this ok. What if you offered everyone who was going to commit suicide a shot at getting an "extreme makeover" *I hate that show, but I'm just saying* and offered them a chance to be a movie star. Or just fulfill their dreams. No more suicide most of the time. Sometimes they just need some tasty pills to swallow because they're biology is out of whack.

Well, I think I'm done. Send out some love for those hit by that category 5 hurricane. I'm sure they could genuinely use some money or clothes or something. Its sad because while I do feel for them, I'm still to apathetic to go out there and actually do something........ I guess because its not next door that I don't care as much as I should. If my house was ripped to shreds, I'd want help and be mad at those that could careless. I guess we get caught up in our own shit. Its like, where's my fundraiser? Its like we hate our shit then we hate ourselves for the damned situation we're in. Then we hate other people for not caring and thus become the very people we hate. I do believe in the truism that you really have to have empathy and compassion for yourself before you can give the same to others. No wonder some realtionships don't work, you can't have empathy for yourself, thus you lash out on the other person. That's why I tell people not to go looking for love outside themselves before they contain it too. Plus, when someone else is your source for your self-love, they have power over you. And you know how people are when they get power, they abuse it, even the best of us. Though I must admit, it feels nice to be saved from your own self-hate. Stupid movies. Why must you teach me irrational thoughts and feelings?

Who knew I'd write more. I really thought I'd be closing out. Well, I think I'm really done. Yes, I am. No more psychological mumbo jumbo. Aaaaah, can't help it. Ask Michelle. She'll tell you I can't turn off my psychology mode. I just got to asses things psychologically. Then, in an almost self-rightoues way, I go out to you guys and try to help. Though I know what I do doesn't make me a good person. I'm not evil, but certainly not good. My good deeds are like dirty rags. Ok, I'm just going to click the button, that's the only way I'll stop. Until I jump on my messengers. Till next time, take care.