What a depressing day. I haven't felt this bad in a LONG LONG time. Though this time it isn't self hate or life hate. Its just about the events that has happened today.

Well, let me work my way there. It started this morning. A lil after I didn't wake up and go to the college. I wake up to hear my mom and her boyfriend Lorenzo SCREAMING! I listen as Lorenzo throws insult after insult at my mom and even telling my mom that she had a "bitch ass" mom. *my grandma ofcourse* So eventually it comes to be that she comes in and asks me to take her to my bank to deposit some money. I'm like "what for?" My mom told me that Lorenzo wanted the money back that he pitched in for my grandma's funeral. SO I object.

We go outside and he is there and waiting. He then insists that I take my mom to the bank. One thing lead to another and eventually my big bro is fighting him. Eventually he gets off him and Lorenzo runs off talking about he's Mexican and to watch his back. So after that, my mom takes off too. My brother calls the cops. THe cops show up, we do a report, they leave.

He comes back a lil later. Though my big bro is in his garage. He wants his stuff. He asks for my mom, I dunno. SHe then calls conviently within 2 mins. I pick up and talk to her. He then wants to talk to her. He wants to go to the hospital. *in an evil way, I wanted him to feel the pain because all the bad stuff he's done* My mom then offers to take him. SHe then gets here at home.

While here, he starts to argue with her AGAIN. My lil bro and sis come home to see this. I feel bad for them. I then go in my room and watch the situation from my room. At one point, I had to run outside and stick up for my mom and lil sister. So eventually, he gets his crap and leaves. *after a few threats might I add* I then go in my room to call Michelle.

That is when drama number 2 happened. I call her house. SHe picks up right away. She says, "hello, HELLO" I reply, "HI Michelle" she then continues on to say, "who's this, HUH?!" I reply with its me TINO!!! SHe then hangs up. I call RIGHT back. This time no answer. At that point i'm suspicious. So then I just go hang with my brother and sister. I then call a bit later. I start with "Be honest and I promise I won't hang up on you and never talk to you again" She then goes on about how she thought it was her roomates friend. I then ask her why she didn't pick up, she says she couldn't hear the phone. She then feeds me this story about how the phone lines had been messing up at the college. I don't buy that story and I continue. We go in some circles and her story slightly changes to she was "eating". So after a few more circles, I tell her that I'm not gonna talk to her again until her story changes.

I go back to playing with my lil bro and sis until Alex *friend* calls. He tells me that Michelle said to call me. So we talk. I eventually get him to give me the chat log. I find she told him that she was in the shower. *i'm sure, phone in the shower* So after being upset about that, my mom calls me and tells me to "HURRY UP" I'm like not sure what she wants. She then reminds me that we have to go see my grandma at the funeral home. *before they cremate her* So we go.

I get there to find my big bro, his girlfriend and friend are in the car. I get quite annoyed that the friend is there but don't say anything. We go in and then there is Teresa. *mom of Johnny, one of Rick's long time friends* She is there and I'm REALLY annoyed. I walk into the place and see the box. It has her name on there and a number. My mom runs to see the face. She crys Very dramatically. Everyone comforts her. I was scared to see the face. Eventually though I had to, so I go over and look. I could only see half of her face. The other half covered. *the other part was cut out, I seen part of it when I looked under the cover, So saddening* So I start crying. Everyone is crying but my big brother. He's there. SO F**KEN arrogent. Him and his Leather jacket, matching pants and cool glasses. *he did take off the glasses beforehand after I said a remark to him about being so arrogent* Though it surprised me to hear my brother comfort my mom by saying not to worry because we'll all meet up there one day. I was shocked. Then my mom start stuff regarding God. *good stuff* Then teresa asked if it was ok to say a prayer. My mom mumbled yeah. Teresa then talked about the good ol days when my gradma used to hate her. When my mom and her used to party and my gradma would run after Teresa with a broom and called her names. So then after all that, we eventually leave.

I get in the car and call Alex. I just wanted to get away from everyone. I wanted to go with Alex to Mountain Mikes and get a few beers. SO I ask my mom if she can give me a ride. *BAD TIMING* She then calls me Heartless and uncaring and tells me all I want to do is hang with friends. I then explode! I yell at her for calling me uncaring and heartless. I remind her that she is alot more than me. *she don't like remembering back when she raised me and used to leave me all alone while I was still little* So back and forth it went till we got home. Eventually after cussing at her, I tell her I give in and I will stay home and be miserable with her. SHe then Yells and tells me yeah she's miserable and so what. I tell her she isn't the only one. So after a minute of yelling, she hugs me and apologizes. Asks if I still wanna go with Alex. I say NO. *my lil bro and sis were happy because they wanted me to stay, they said so a few times* I then go in my room.

Alex calls me and asks if i'm coming or not. I tell him no. He then asks if I was crying or something. I tell him yeah. He asks if it is because of Michelle. I tell him not really that, but that hasn't helped. He asks if I'm watching "the game" I tell him no. *last thing on my mind* He then gets the hint and tells me he'll call me later. I get off and go to my room.

In my room, Michelle calls. We start to argue about the same thing. This time she added MORE stuff. I was really annoyed at that too. She then asks if I thought she was cheating on me. I tell her I don't know. She then says I implied it. *I guess I did* I tell her that wasn't the only thing I thought. Though was one of the main ones. We argue and then she says "FUCK YOU" on the phone. I hang up. *I won't tolerate any girl cussing at me*

At that point, I'm feeling like REALLY low. Thought about Lorenzo, my grandma, Michelle and school. Just alot. She then calls me back and asks what I want her to do. To come here or to move back home because she wants to know now. After thinking long and hard on the phone, I decide I still want her here. We talk some more and then its ok.

I get off the phone with her and just wonder. About what? Well, about the unclear future. Also about what Michelle said. She said that she knows I'd forgive anything and that is why she'd tell me. I dunno if her knowing that is good or bad, but if she pushes that too much, then its doubtful it'll always be true. I'm not gonna be some doormat. That's that. On other things, I'm just sad and worried and dissappinted in all kinds of things. As I type, I'm thinking of going to go pray because I feel like I'm gonna slip right back into depression. I don't want that. That would be really bad. For all the obvious reasons and probaly some not so obvious ones. Ok, that is all...... ~END~

P.S. During the week or so I didn't write, I had been stressed about work and up and down in other aspects of life. Some stuff happened but its pretty trivial right now.