THat random button is fun. I could go from 2004 to 2001 me just like that. Can't say I've changed alot. Still very pessimistic and needing people to like me. One thing that still irks me is that so many different people use to visit me in the past but in one way or another, I alienated them. DAMNIT. I hate that. They are so nice, with their caring comments and insights. er er er......... it hurts. what sucks is why i even freakin care about it. Why am I like this. From the looks of the past entries, seems that this is my only outlet of frustration and inlet of care, something I don't get in reality. Well, I do from Michelle. I like care. Probaly too much. Anyways, I'm way off my objective, which is reflecting.
That's the thing, I emotionally rely on others to make me feel better. I can't truely love myself without geting some outside validation. Its very irrational. I guess because I truely believe that I'm not worthy. Not matter what my logic pumps out telling me otherwise, my feelings control me. Even with the outside validation of Michelle, that doesn't seem to be enough. That's even crazier. In the past, I kept complaining about not having a gf and how a gf would make me a better person. The thing is, I view her as somehow biased because .....because......I don't know. I need more. Need to prove that I'm worthy to multiple people. *how stupid does that sound? Why should I have to prove anything to anyone, we're all equal* Doesn't make no sense.
Maybe its a void i'm trying to fill that can only be filled with God. It's just so hard to believe in him now that I have some serious philosophical problems with christianity. You would think that I would just want to overlook this problems and just fill the void. The thing is that my logic won't let me rest with that. There is a war going on in my head. Battles pop up here and there with the words being thought originating from different people I met. *eg. kaliko with the christians* It's really weird and I never told anyone offline about that. Anyways, there were some comments I liked and wanted to post before I slept. They remind me about how things were/are between me and other commentors. The first and last comment apitimize this. THe first one here is kaliko, and what she is saying is still current and still someone I consider close. The last one has ally *aka happykatz* calling me wuzzles. That is the past when we used to chat every night and the only thing that probaly stopped something more from happening was distance.
kaliko88
Ahem. I pray for you almost every day, sometimes several times in a day. Yes, I'd say I care. (Not a bag on you, cause I can tell it's a down moment. You have them. I know you have them. I also know they eventually subside for a bit.)
But, you need to stop associating love and caring with things and happenings. Things and happenings are expressions sometimes of love and caring, but they aren't required. You find it hard to share some of your feelings and emotions. So do a lot of other people, and I'd say your mom especially. Your bro, possibily because selfishly he doesn't see what's in it for him. Your mom, probably because she's been stepped on so many times. Your little bro and sis - I'd say they're confused by it all still, especially since they have so many people in their life doing it differently.
And for a final reminder, God cares. And I know you know that. :)
From: * (Unauthenticated)
Date Posted: 12 Feb 2003
as humans, we never forget the ones we love, though they may forget us!
Hi Tino,
Like you, I too have been busy.
When younger, I use to feel the same way as you, but now I realize it's not that pple dont care about you, it was just that I expected too much attention from them. You are basing your happiness around what other pple say and do.
You are the best happiness one can give one's self.
Look in the mirror, smile at who you see and the reflexing will smile back.
There is your happinesss.
Love, Honey
From: ShadowRose
Date Posted: 14 Feb 2003
Life is struggle. You only truly learn from what you have to struggle with. How you survive depends on how you face and go through that struggle.
It is hard getting out on your own no matter when or how you do it. But you get better at it.
From: kaliko88
Date Posted: 15 Feb 2003
Actually, I pray for both of you, and your family. You two have obviously been hitting the rough road of a relationship. The ride's going to be bumpy for a while.
But, ShadowRose is right. Thought it is a struggle sometimes, you do get better at it. More than that, the things you work for, especially the things you work together on, become that much more precious.
I think you two would benefit from some lessons on perspective. The Valentine's thing is the perfect example. Michelle is used to getting many of the things she wants, thus her reaction to your gifts. Whereas you have rarely gotten what you really want, much less had people even think about giving it. And really, this is probably one of the first times you've been able to do Valentine's for someone else, someone you really care for. Thus your need to have it all appreciated, because for you it is a special and big deal.
Both of you are just different enough that the rough spots will be really rough. But, as tough as the climb up is over a rought spot, just like a long climb up a roller coaster's hill, the ride down is a total thrill ride. And it's all the more fun when someone's sitting next to you.
>^..^<
From: Honey
Date Posted: 15 Feb 2003
Oh Tino,
I LOVE ALL of my cards.
The cards are my memories of the past and from ppl who cared enough about me to send me one.
Cards is the only thing that I want from anyone.
And from the people who cared enough to even go out and get me a card, it is special.
If a person sends me a card, I keep it forever.
I feel that when I am old and alone, I can go into the card box. I will remember, and smile.
Anyway Tino, it was a nice thing for you to do, no matter what your girlfriend said. You were truly a gentleman.
I hope that you had a great Valentine's day.
Love,
From: kaliko88
[ Ban User | Delete Comment ] Date Posted: 19 Jan 2003
It is hard balancing it. Fortunately, school is not too long in reality, just relativity. The pace will eventually smooth out.
Just remember to take time for yourselves, even if it's just a little time before bed. Enjoy all the small moments. They usually add up to one big happiness. Relatively speaking. :)
From: happykatz
[ Ban User | Delete Comment ] Date Posted: 2 May 2002
Ahhh Wuzzles u r a cutie aint ya! :P
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Reading all that is bittersweet. For me atleast. They all cared for me, atleast enough to take a little time out thier life to try to help this lowly guy here. :) :(
Comments (1)
Sorry!