In other news, there's been a lot of sadness I've been reading about in other diaries. Most seemed centered on relationships. Its really tough not having that special person you so desire to fill that inner void. Like I said before, this western society doesn't allow for us to really experience life except with one person at a time. Like, friends are unreliable. Family is generally too critical to really trust. Everyone else just don't give a rat's ass about you. The only subsitute for that special someone would seem to be God. I mean, I'm in a relationship now and even when it is going well, there is always a small piece that is empty. People try to fill that with money, status or others but that never really works. I mean, we're so privledged. Only 8% of the world gets to live like us. The rest of the world struggles for the very basics. Yet, so much pain because unconditional love is missing. I think that's what we really really want. A bf/gf is supposely supposed to give us that. That's the thing of epic love stories. Though that never really happens. I think it happens at moments but I don't think that it happens throughout a relationship. Its really sad. Its seems so simple. *sigh* Like I've been saying earlier, if this is it, this really sucks.

Well, not sure what to write about now. Hmm.......I talked about my childhood memories with MIchelle yesterday. I have so many. Put her to sleep. She says my voice is comforting. I believe her, but I really wanted to tell her them. I still thought about some of them. I used to have so many people I used to hang out with. Atleast till I moved when I was about 10. That's when things started to go downhill friends wise. We kept moving and was never really able to maintain friendships again. Its odd because I find myself being able to start it out really good with people and then, poof it goes away. Online, I have had a better success rate, but I know that at this moment that I'm no one's go to guy. Do you know what I mean when I say that? Its like when everything goes downhill, we all have someone we go to that really knows us and that we trust. Well, I really don't got one. I could blame everyone for being so mean, but I suppose because people wait for someone to talk about their feelings and insecurities to talk about thiers but I never really get that deep into my feelings with people. Thus they don't trust me. They get along with me and stuff but its not what I'd want. Well actually, I should take that back because I had a breakthrough with someone not to long ago.

I guess I don't really like to talk about my feelings because I really feel vulnurable. I mean, really really really really really vulnurable. Behind the logic I am really raw. I have so many things that could hurt me and I've seen so many get betrayed and her. Psychologically, I'm suppose to establish borders on what I want to share and what is best kept to myself. Though too many have stolen from my inner garden. They have burned stuff and stepped on things they shouldn't have. Now, I have a nice entryway that is my lil castle with walls. Though I let few into the center, my garden. The walls are there and even if people see through the walls, I won't acknowledge what they see. Anyways, I'm being all weird and metaphorical.

In my psychology class *using the creative arts as a theraputic tool* this semester, my teacher says that the creative arts, such things as painting, writing, dance movements, music, drama, and other artsy stuff provide a way to express yourself and be understood without having to truely having to say exactly what's going on. Its a really interesting class. I feel myself drawn to drums. Yeah.........drums. Also writing. I like to write my feelings, thus the diary. Also trying to work on that novel I said I was going to work on. It sounds like it would make some sense. Plus we talk about overcoming the inner critic. The one that says we can't do such and such. You're suppose to do stuff because you want to, not to impress others. LIke some people say they'd like to dance but don't, but they have a dance within. The concept is that you just express yourself and the greats don't try to conform, but just do what they feel within. So yeah.......... Well, I'm about to go to Alex's house. Later.......... Really people, take care of yourself. Love yourself, find yourself. Find the joy in life. If this is it, don't let this suck. heh, I should do the same. The advice is like DUH, but applying it isn't so easy. Just isn't, atleast for me.