Oh wow, what a long conversation I had just a lil bit after that previous entry. It lasted 6 hours! Most of it in chatting form. Towards the enf.

Dear Diary,

Oh wow, what a long conversation I had just a lil bit after that previous entry. It lasted 6 hours! Most of it in chatting form. Towards the enf.

You might be thinking how it got that far. Well, let me tell you. We ofcourse started out good. Talked about a few things before discussing the entry. When she seen of the stuff, she cut and pasted the parts she seen concern with. She told me she loved me unconditionally. That she'd forgive anything. As for me, I insisted I had a limit. SO that when on to eventually she questioned if she did inteed truely love me. She wondered if she could do anything. She was thinking of moving here but then didn't want to risk the fact if it didn't work here that she'd be totally screwwed being the fact her parents will disown her and she'd have no where to turn. Plus she can only transfer once. So that bugged her for awhile until she decided she was gonna risk it. *she had asked what i'd perfer, I told her I'd love for her to move up here but knew that it was too risky* She had come up with a plan to eventually come up here when she was independant. Well, that changed, even though I agreed with her plan that would've took 2 years to happen. She believes in the love so such gonna do it. To totally let go and just fly she said. If she falls, atleast she flew for a lil bit. So anyways, after that, she is ok now that she feels her love is unconditional. Being the fact she can forgive me for anything and do anything for me. I then believe that I could infact forgive her, thus making me feel like mines is unconditional. We go back and forth about whether i'm just saying it to say it or i'm for real.

When she calls me, we talk about other stuff. I forget but know it was REALLY early. 6 in the morning to be exact. Normally, i'd just say oh well, its the weekend, but the fact that i had to start a full day at work at 10 mad me feel like uh oh.

I show up, its stress and VERY VERY VERY busy. I hate days like this. Sometimes I wish I was just rich and could lay around. Anyways, i come home and do entry.

Right now, just here wondering about self. REad shadowrose's comment. A very good one I think. It really mad me think, do i REALLY REALLY love her like that. No matter what. I sat here like 15 minutes searching my heart out and decided that I could forgive despite the pain IF she asked for forgiveness. That is biggest hurdle for me, forgivness. I mean, I can think of alot of stuff she can do to destroy me. Thing is, would I be able to deal with worse? Could it really go away in my heart? COuld i REALLY treat her like before? I don't think immediately but I believe time could heal it. I mean, I am a lil scared of just stating that because that means door is open to do whatever with whoever, but its like, I finally do trust trust her. Its kidna sad for me that I realize stuff later. I think her putting the herself in line of risk for all the time means maybe her love really is stronger which is crazy because I feel like my everything is SO strong for her. Besides, just because she makes a mistake or two doesn't mean she don't love me. I must keep in mind she is human. As am i and I would hope she'd understand that too which i think she has understood that before i did.

I dunno if all that even makes sense to anyone outside myself. Sorry if it don't. I'm not thinking in terms of making it readable. Thinking in terms of explaining self to self. ................................ Wow, never thought in my whole life that i'd have someone totally know me and totally love me. And me, wasn't sure if I could ever give anyone my highest trust and my highest love. I guess life surprises you sometimes.

In other things, didn't go to Sunday celebration. WHY? Because i thought my time is better spent with Michelle. Though she told me to do whatever I wanted. I end up not wanting to go because I don't want to start hanging with her outside college. Probaly not inside either. She's just horny and just looking for a quick person. I'm not gonna even bother with that. As for my time with GOd, not so good. still not doing what I should. : ( N E ways, that is all, ~END~