Though first I want describe what happend after the last entry. Well, I called Ray the next day. While doing so, Michelle remarked, "you're being desperate". I almost felt that way in a way but just wanted to actually follow some of my logic in saying that persistance and initiation is what is required a lot of times. So I call and ask him what he's doing. He says he's on his way to the mall to meet some friends. He then says, "hey, i was gonna call you but I ended up staying up until 2 in the morning. I said, "ok, that's cool. whatever" And then somehow, I started to discuss the situation with my brother. My big brother had said that he wanted to take me to the state fair. Yet he hasn't contacted me about it at all. And then I told him that "that is how people are. They say one thing but never do it." From there, he said jokingly, "You sound like you have some sort of malaise." That annoyed me and I wanted to hang up. He then continued, "I'll call you tomorrow at 4:30 and we'll hang out ok." I said, "uh huh. Ok." He said, "I will ok" I said slightly disillusionally, "that's alright, if you do, you do, if you don't, you don't. It's cool either way. Things happen, maybe you forget, you get into an accident, something comes up at work..." He says, "4:30". Alright.

So 4:30 rolls around and sure enough he calls. I'm half-surprised in that I expected him to flake out. LIke he did the previous time and last Thursday. So we decide to go to Scandia. *Its a small amusement park that has mini-golfing, an arcade, go-carts, bumperboats and this giant ride called "the screamer". So he swings by and drives me there.

I ask some questions about this girl. Her name is Carmen. He likes her because she's family orientated. She works in marketing. From his descriptions, she sounds very self-conscious. So I'm thinking of questions to ask her while we're there that won't offend her.

We get there and wait. She shows up. As I said earlier, she is in her mid-40's, she looks hispanic and is on the slightly overweight side. *5'5? maybe 190lbs?* My memory is a lil foggy now. Anyways, we go and play some mini-golf.
We play and we say various joking things about how horrible we're playing. It seemed casual enough. Though there wasn't any openings to ask her any questions. Like, I wanted to know why she liked Ray and what she likes to do for fun. Though anything remotely close to that seemed like it might indeed embarass her or otherwise make her feel self-conscious.

They had a lil chemistry. They still seem like they are in the impression management stage of thier relationship as they still seemed uncomfortable at times. Though they did whisper a few things to each other which I didn't like cuz I'd prefer not to know they're wispering while I'm walking to the next hole.

I did ok. I was erratic out there. I had 2 hole in ones and several holes where it took me like 5 or 6 swings on a par 2. Ray won as he had very stable play. Michelle lost cuz she got bored after a while I didn't want to play after the 9th
hole. Carmen was in third place.

After the holes, we went to the snack bar. I got a pizza and icee. Ray also got a pizza, but didn't ask Carmen what she wanted nor offered any of his pizza. *Michelle told me this later* Me and Ray then played table hockey. I won the first round, he the second. In the third hole, I was up 6 to 3 and he came back and won 7 to 6. It was fun. Then we all raced against each other in this car game. Ray won, I was in second place.

From there, I wanted to go to the go-carts and Michelle the bumperboats. They didn't buy that package so they went outside. I then go on "the screamer" Its a scary looking ride that propels you 165 feet in the air. Ironically, you're not allowed to scream on it due to neighbor compliants. *or they stop the ride* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeIetaQx-YI to see it yourself.

It was a fun ride. After getting off, I try to find Ray and he is absolutly no where to be found. NOt in the bathroom, not on the golf course, nothing. After 45 minutes, we see him outside, walking back to the arcade. He's alone. We ask where he was and he said he was on his cell phone. I guess she wanted to go home after some offhand comment he said to her that he said, "she misinterpreted". Being the curious person that I and Michelle are, we constantly ask what happened. He refused. He says he didnt want to discuss a current weakness of his. He says, "you wouldn't want to talk about your current weaknessess. So Michelle starts to list mines. Then, I say, sure I do, I write about it all the time online for all to know. You can type in this date and see what I'm thinking about. YOu could do a keyword search for your name. *etc etc* He says, "I want to tell you but I also don't want to tell you. When it's over, I'll tell you. *at this point we were in his car* I'm annoyed in that he is always so damn mysterious to me. Yet, like a bunch of christians I have encountered, want to know ALL about my struggles. And I do. I like to talk about my stuff. Though I do realize not all people are like that, I just don't know how freaken much time I have to be around this human so that he could say something that isn't just a logical concept. *or friendly banter*

So somehow, we're talking more about my stuff cuz Michelle is REALLY trying to pull it out of him. And she mentions how I don't have a car and I mention how I refused to pay so much for a driving instructor. He mentions that he could teach me. I'm happy cuz I've been wanting to ask him but didn't want to pressure him and it so happened that it came out naturally without trying to talk about it. So with that, the day ended.

Me and Michelle were left with only speculation about what could've happened. Maybe cuz he didn't treat her out. I dunno. I'm still gonna try to pull it out of him. THough if its in confidence, I dont think I could write it on here. It depends on how specfic and negative it is. And if he specifically asks not to tell anyone.

So all that was ok. I would've rather just ate at a restaurant and talked. It set me and Michelle back $50 to basically take ourselves out, minus the hassle of the bus. I didn't get to really talk to him or her.

He wanted me to go to church. Blah, I told him that I really didn't want to cuz I think the people are mostly delusional and that I have to be fake in there so that I don't offend them. Plus, when I go, I always feel so alone there. I'm always just a physical body when they're all talking in the lobby. I mean, they know me by name and sometimes say "HI TINO!" But usually it goes a lil like this: "Its so nice to see you in church." "Yeah, its nice to be here" "We hope to see you more often" "Yeah, that'd be nice" "Well, it was good seeing you."

Every so often, I get asked about my family. I say they're doing good. Otherwise, I'd have to say how disconnected we are and other stuff. ANd at the same time, I remember that for all the time I've been there, I've never been invited to their homes. *I've went as part of Ray, but not alone* I just don't follow what they believe. I want to, but when I don't, many are quick with thier judgements. God forbid I talk about wanting to get a burger to eat.....*they are very vegatarian there*

I tell Ray all this *I think on the phone at a diff time* and he basically tells me about giving them a chance and stuff. *though I think I'm just gonna come out firing with what I believe and let them all tell me how much I need to be prayed for* Nah, only in my head do I blast them. In reality, I'm a nice lil introvert that would rather shut up then to hurt them. *eyes roll* Guilty conscious.

Ummm, its getting late and I will go a lil more lightly on those comments than I thought I would. Kaliko, thanks for the happy birthay and the smile. Its a good start but where's the rest. JK. Happy birthday is just fine from online ppl. I try not to have lofty expectations in that I don't do more for online birthdays myself. As for the family thing, I hope it all goes ok for your family with the defect issue and your brother with leukemia. Though remember the blessing you have in having the family band together. I have to admit, those kind of things make me a lil jealous and sad, but I'm glad to know that it does exist out there for somebody. With God, I think the verdict is still out *atleast for me* as to whether God is always there. Though ironically, I probaly will be one of those hypocritical people who will ask for God when something goes wrong. Um...thanks for the prayers. It is a nice to be apart of someone's thoughts. Even more special if indeed, I get to be on God's mind at that moment. I know that you guys can't always come and comment or hit me up, I am just glad that some of you guys come at all. I don't know what I offer. I think I"m a crap online friend now. I don't leave many comments anymore and I occasionally update. It makes me happy to know that some people still bother with reading my sometimes crazy thoughts. I dunno, sometimes I try to analyze why but I end up going in circles. Thanks though. Maybe one day I will be further blessed by meeting you guys.

Salted, um, lets see, ok, yeah, I don't get mad if you or other online ppl don't know my birthday as I have yet to memorize any of yours. Though I remember something vaguely about kaliko's happening somewhere in May or Augest. LOL.

The depression, the intensity does go up on birthdays. I guess I hate typing about these feelings because I know so much about how irrational they are that I start to put myself down for not keeping it in check like I know how to do. The birthday thing goes back to the fact that as a lil kid I literally never had a birtday party with friends coming over or even remembering. I suppose the cognition has been that birthdays are a day of friends and specialness and since I didn't have that, it lowers my self-esteem being that I believe that people who are celebrated are held in high esteem in the eyes of others and therefore, that isn't the case with me.

Do I need GOD? Unequivocally YES! But I won't give him to myself in that I don't want to feel like I"m lying to myself. I know that whatever concept that I come up with about GOD, that some of it will be culturally specific and thus, just an illusion. I guess that wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn't deceived into all these fake beliefs by everyone around me. Its a great *lie?* to tell oneself so to know that life isn't in vain and that one is always loved. Just, I don't feel or think this is the case. Though I am getting weak of this constant pessimism that occurs due to this. I am a lil more ok with just living a happier life even if the means living a lie. Maybe its not a lie, I don't know everything. Infact, there is a lot I don't know. Its the only way I can believe in things like goodness in people and optimism. I mean, optimism is a logical concept, just, it isn't necessarily based on reality. Reality is that good or bad things can happen. You can think the best is gonna happen, doesn't mean its true. Or think its always gonna be bad, but our expectations and hopes can't fortell the future, unless God or some other entity is gonna make things ok in the long run. THe optimism would make more sense.

Then there's the private commenter. I'm never sure if their comment is fair game for a public entry. But, I suppose they wanted to be anonymous. So, I won't say the name or any thing that can identify this person, but I think the question is ok. If not, tell me and I won't post your question in the future. It's not personal, so I think its ok. *I will never post your personal private stories on public entries*

THis person says, "Happy late birthday.

And I'll really only touch on your last point; I don't think that breaking a wrist means it isn't God's plan. I mean, if God's plan was somehow to take all pain, suffering, and sickness from anyone who believed, then everyone would believe for the sole purpose of gaining those benifits. And I mean, I don't really have all the answers or anything like that. I just think that God's plan can include some suffering. After all, they say when you are forgiven much and have lived through much then you gain another level of understanding of God that is really hard to get when you are forgiven little. I don't know if I"m making much sense. But like, if you burned a person's house down and said I'm sorry I made a mistake please forgive me, and then they did, that would have much more meaning to you then if you lied and said your girlfriend's dress makes her look 20 pounds lighter when you really think she looks exactly the same, then apologize.... etc etc.

I think all trials are rather like that. If you've lived through some pain then you can really understand more then if everything was spotlessly easy for you."

So first let me see if I understand all this. You're saying that sometimes God allows bad things to happen as a part of the plan so that we can learn from the suffering and grow as a person so that we can better understand Him. THat sometimes our big mistakes *and suffering* can teach us more than the minor stuff. Did I get u correctly?

Umm, I'm really undecided in God's role in suffering. I think of a more hands off God in that he lets randomness and the effects of sin *if they is indeed happening* take their course without there being necessarily a lesson. For example, let's say a wife dies by chance of getting cancer. *which seems farily random to me* Then, let's say the husband, apon hearing this news, kills himself and for sake of argument, goes to hell. What's the lesson there? It happens. It may happen *hopefully not* if Michelle were to die. Ideally, I have others to turn to and I'm not that mentally weak. Just saying.

Like I always say, I don't have all the answers, I just look to my limited scope of what I can perceive based on what I have been exposed to. Can you be right? Maybe. If we're going all bible on this, this you could point to Job or something. Even psychologically, many times it is suffering that helps define us
on who we are. Anything's possible...

That's it. I always feel like typing more. I have so much on my mind. When tapped into, I could go on for days. Ofcourse, there is only so many questions you can answer to yourself. Thanks for the happy birthdays. They are appreciated. ANd geeze, I got to start acting like the person I want others to be like. I got to find out your guyz b-days and say happy b-day and stuff. Sorry for not being a better friend......... I realize that I am still fairly emotionally selfish. THough blogs aren't my choice form of communicating. The phone is where I really come alive. Anyways, I'm going off on a tangent again. Second time this entry. Take care and thanks for the care. Hopefully, I can return the favor too... *um, take care again?*

P.S. PLEASE, NO HELLO KITTY E-CARDS!!! AHHH

P.P.S. It would be kaliko who would threaten to use hello "kitty" e-cards.

MORE: Firefox sucks, too many formating problems, sorry.