So here I am, late at night. Felt like writing some more. The thing on my mind is the fact that I feel really cynical and want to understand that some more.

As I look in my head, I am wondering when it started. When did I start to view humans with such a negative lens. A brief insight I just had says that I was optimistic when I started this diary *2001*. I was sad, but I wasn't so skeptical. I was very idealistic. Ah, another flash. Not as certain that I want to share this one. *I feel more private these days*

I remember back then, I had a decent amount of faith in God. It was a lil weak, but it was still there. *Just decided to play some final fantasy 7 music. The part where Cloud meets his bestfriend Tifa as a child. Its a beautiful piano instrumental* It reminds me of my past. Anyways, back to the story. I guess I will share my turning point. *like I haven't mentioned it before*

It first began with Eliza. When she first stood me up, I was utterly hurt. Somehow, I thought she would help me out of my sadness. And things just kept getting worse and worse at home. I prayed hard that my life would turn around. I then expected the whole world to care. I somehow thought everyone would rise up and make me alright. It never happened.

I then began to question why they weren't helping me. I began to question why God didn't help me. With my newfound critical thinking skills and psychology, I began to believe the reason they didn't help was out of their utter selfishness. What was in it for them?

Ofcourse, college didn't really help. They paint this picture that our current society is based on greed. Thus, my cynic was developed.

Now though, I think I realize that absolute love and optimism is necessary. Even if it is delusional to think so, atleast I will be happy. Though its hard for me to implement. I still have a lot of rage inside. I do my absolute best to not let this out. And I know its the belief in the negativity of life that holds me back.

As for God, I don't know about Him. I guess I never Really did. The way the evidence presents itself to me is that he exsists, but takes a more hands off approach to allow free will to occur. *to show that we don't deserve it and that humans are no good with power* I guess I can't say I have faith in Him but more of a HOPE He's here. So its not his fault. Though I wish he would've gave me a better situation. I wish I didn't have to lock away all this hurt of mines.

Though I suppose that as an objective 3rd party, you could make the case that my situation is better than most on Earth. You could also say that my situation has improved over time and that I've actually have had answered prayer on this diary. *see 2001* I mean, look at me. I have the girlfriend. Something I was all sad about not having. I have my own place. My family relations are improved. I HAD a crap load of friends. Everything I wanted. I'm even on the brink of being successful.

I just don't know though. I was there was something absolutely concrete. I wish every situation improved with prayer. There is just a lack of consistency. I feel like its coincidence or a self-fulfilling prophecy. Others have horrible tragedies that absolutely ruin people. Entire families die off. People go broke and on the streets. Utter poverty pervades most of the world.

It's like I told Michelle once when we were walking by a nearby cementary; "I wish I did see a ghost or some sort of spirit, atleast then I would know that spirituality and God was definately real."

I'm tired of questioning and viewing humans negatively. They do "do" good things too. Mostly dirty rags because of thier alterior motives *that sometimes they are not aware of*, but atleast they try. I wish I could just trust people universally. But the result of this usually ends up badly. I think I could release my inner cynic if the world didn't reinforce the behavior.

I LOVE ALL OF YOU GUYS. I really do. I just feel heartbroken. I wish we all could sit by a campfire and really sing kumbaya. Though I feel it will never happen. I'm not your "family" or your spouse. What's your motivation? Having 99%+ identical DNA isn't enough? Its an utter tragedy what's going on here on Earth. I must be the change I wish to see in the world. People learn through modeling, not by instruction. So hard to put my heart on the line everytime. So hard to stop being so DAMN lazy. Come on Tino, get over yourself. I wish this was like Final Fantasy. I wish me and a group of close friends fought against evil and overcame personal demons. I wish there was a definate enemy to defeat. I wish my purpose and meaning were guranteed to lead to a happy ending. *sigh*

I could here someone say, "There is a definate enemy, Satan. There is a happy ending, Heaven. God has a purpose for you. *insert thier view of purpose, like God's will* And as much as I almost NEED that to be true, a part of me says, "I need more proof" What would consitute as proof? I really don't know. Something that addresses my top 10 questions. Something that doesn't state how God roots against certain groups of his children. Something that can not be argued against as TRUTH. Something like that.

In the meanwhile, MUST FIGHT FOR HAPPINESS............ For I am the only one that feels my own anger. It is in my best interest. Well, I'm going to try to upload 2 of my favorite final fantasy songs. Songs that touch me deeply. *the other being the Aeries ending song*