It's been yet another long while. Not really that busy, since its the winter break and all. Just enjoying it by sleeping, cleaning the room, going to the mall, seeing LORD OF THE RINGS. That is the positive. The negative is the increased arguing. Me and my mom are on really different pages. There is no resolving it. She's too much of a drunk to ever get anything meaningful after she gets back from work. She's very angry and sad. Angry cause all the bills and lack of money. Sad cause I think she is lonely and the beer makes her that way. I feel so sad for her, yet almost hate her. If she stopped drinking, that'd save us money and help her feel better. She also wouldn't be socially isolated. I dunno, I give up on her, I have my own life I have to live. Can't wait to move.

Speaking of moving, Alex is supposely gonna move out with us. *best friend alex* All my other friends are not close enough for me to ask them any of that. Would eliminate alot of stress on one hand. Would create more of a strain on money. I'm hoping Social Security gets back to me soon so I'll know if I should look for a job or whether to start going to various doctors to fix me. I'm really hoping for the latter. Without stupid money, I can't go to docs or get pills. Health is declining and wouldn't want to end up at the hospital right when my life could be improving. As for Michelle, she wants a better more stable job. I hope I can find her one. If all goes well, we could get out this dump and be independant and happier. If all goes bad, I may go into some major debt. I'll loan some money from the college and just go on my freakin own to my old doc. Somethings got to give. Any *if any* leftover money would go to paying for my braces. I owe them over a 1000 and haven't changed wires or anything. Though that ain't my top priority.

As for school, I'm doing pretty good. A in psychology. A in Antropology . B. in Math. and either a B or C in English Lit. Once that final grade comes out, I'm gonna apply for some scholorships. I should win something. I have a medical leave that verifies to them that I have a tumor and my GPA is doing great. Maybe they'll feel sorry for me or that will distinguish me and get me some extra money. And Michelle could get something too. She got a better GPA than me. She is close or at 3.5 She works with disabled in her job and takes the bus. Maybe that'll make people like her enough to award her with some money too. We'll see, I'll be praying for that.

On my religous front, I'm feeling a lil bit more spiritial. It's nice. Though that means nothing unless I do something with it. I have a feeling Michelle is too. I'm still not sure about churches right now. Probaly something more liberal than I usually go. Something with a young adult emphasis and upbeat. I know Michelle wouldn't like the traditional type of church. At this point, I'm feeling alienated from them. Too stodgy. Need something that will pour some life and meaning into us. Not something I'd probaly consider without Michelle, but I feel its the best way to lead her to the lord.

On somewhat a different note, I kinda feel like Anakin Skywalker. Started out good then started to corrupt. I'm hoping not to turn to Darth Vader. At the same time though, the "lighter" side is restrictive and boring. If there was a religous war versus christian and atheist, I'm not sure what side I'd be on. I could defeat or defend either one. Both have good points. If the "dark" side wasn't as cold, I'd definately be onboard. Then again, I'm also scared, scared to live my life the wrong way. Damn, I feel like a guy who threw a rock at a church window and I'm not sure whether that is wrong or if that is fun and in the end, it don't matter anyways. So much inner arguing. Feel like I just wanna pick a side and be done with it. But then if I do that, I'll always wonder if that is the right side. I could totally be a devout christian. At that same time, I could be an outspoken atheist. I have so much love and hate inside me. I could be one of those model christians that take bums out to eat and dress them nicely and get them a job. Or I could drive past one and spit at him.

I miss christianity. I hate them. So many good and bad experiences. The negative perspective is supposely never the right one but its the most logical. The psych book says sometimes the most logical decision isn't always the right one. *WTHell* I dunno. I'm off. I'm too emotional right now. These paragraphs suck! I could do better. Looks like a pre-teen wrote this instead of a college student in psychology.