Within myself, there is a lot of pain from the past. People in my family would treat me mean despite me doing good. I was little and I guess I didn't connect the dots that my mom wasn't all there because of the drugs and alchol she drank and my big bro, well, he's always been a selfish jerk no matter what. Thus, my modern day interactions are symbolic of my past. I try to do things because I want to be liked. I shouldn't. Its totally illogical, I know. Its not emotionally healthy. Yet, I replay these scences in my day to day interactions and thus bring up those same feelings.

So its time to do things for the right reasons. I have to be more aware of my motivations and whats going on internally. Usually I am, though I guess last entry, that filter was off.

I also want to fix my relationships with my bro and sister. My sister will be the harder one. She is older and is arrogant and gets things on demand from my mom. She isn't searching for answers or trying to do the right thing. So its difficult for me to interact with her. Though as I was talking to Michelle, she suggested that I tell her how I feel and try not to judge or anything. I suppose this can work. I just got to control any judgement and negativity. Though its hard because I see her on such a lost path and yet, she leaves little room for some advice.

With my lil bro, we're still pretty ok. As guys, we like to do things together, as opossed to just talking. I'll do a lil talking and stuff.

The hardest will be my mom. She doesn't want to change and thinks that she is good and everyone else is bad. She doesn't acknowledge her flaws. When flaws show up, they should be taken lightly. When me or anyone elses flaws appear, then we're bad people. Its this double standard and the way she sounds like she is real but the actions don't match. I want the house clean. I want it to be happy in here. But then, she dont' want to clean. She wants to talk about her sadness and rolls her eyes when you discuss your problems. She's an emotional vampire. Take take take. When she gives say a ride, I got to do something. When she gives the neighbor a ride, she don't got to do something. This creates problems. Any suggestions on that?