I went to a lame orientation and they talked about customer service and anger management. I thought it was interesting that they had a good stategy for dealing with angry customers/parents/kids/etc. Though customer is used loosely as the school district deals with ofcourse, parents and children. So I called the principal where I was suppose to work and I guess I'll start the Monday after Thanksgiving. So that'll be fun and scary.

We also bought Michelle some clothing too. Ironically, I picked out the ones she ended up keeping. They looked great on her when she later when she had an interview for a Teacher Assistant position too.

Other than that, not too much going on. Haven't been on the computer at all lately. Just living life a day at a time. Went to the libary a couple days ago and checked out some books. They have DVDs there too! It was actually fun as we read a bunch of psychology books. My fav ofcourse. Mostly about taping into your creativity and being innovative. Michelle is using some of the stuff and influence for a college essay thing.

Michelle and I have got into a few arguments as well but nothing huge. We seem to cope with them better now. Still, certain subjects shouldn't create such a fuss but that's the nature of relationships I guess.

As I look inward today, I find that I have been reevaluating some of my past. For some reason, I remembered how much I used to want to go to a christian school when I was young. I used to think that I would be around "better" people and that my problems would be solved. As I look back, I think the problem was that I was looking outward for love instead of inward. I also wanted to be accepted but never quite felt right around people, even friends. I always thought it was them but I was wrong, it was me.... Nowadays, I feel ok with myself but I feel my life is too busy to hang out and develop any sort of bond with others. Plus, I'm a lot more guarded with myself too. I just can't see myself trusting that much. I know I got to take my chances and likely overreacting to what a negative outcome would be but I've never been one to take chances. *'cept my adventure seeking side, but that's different* I mean, I'm not scared to jump out a plane or bungee jump but talking about my very personal side scares the crap out of me.

I think I'm reevaluating because I seen an old friend at the store a couple days ago. He was like, "TINO, wassup man, what you up to" It was just basic chit chat but I thought about how we used to play football together and hang out. Much like friends in my past. We were never super tight or anything, just I remember how many people I used to associate with and now I just don't. Most were with good reason but just the fact of not having a stable set of friends bothers me. Now, offline its really just Alex. I think that if he weren't in a wheelchair, he probaly wouldn't be my friend either because he's too extraverted and is funny and can fit in. I know other friends and try to initiate something but schedules don't really match up and even when we do see each other, its not what it was. I think I just keep meeting people who aren't interested in the same things as I am. I like to think and debate and play video games too. In general, people like games but I think I never truely relax around people.

Anyways, those are negative things and I shouldn't focus on them. There is no point. All I can do is change the future using what I know. DUH! Answers are easy to type, hard to truely believe in and even harder to put into action. Actually, as I've thought about it, I think it still has to do with conflicting perspectives on who I am what my purpose is. Do I accept myself for who I am and "live in sin" or try to be the best person I could be and aspire to follow in the steps of Jesus? Its like I think I should accept myself for who I am. That's what my psychology thinking says. The christian in me says you don't embrace the darkness within and aspire for higher, through God. And you might be thinking, how the hell does that have to do with friendships? Well, its like who do I want to be. Then that turns into I hang with certain liked minded people. Problem is that I find christian *or religous ppl in general* too rigid. *not all ppl ofcourse*

I find those on the opposite end of the spectrum too open to everything and I've determined that my brain won't let be atheistic or amoral. Its like, ok, I do think there is some right and wrong. While there is a middle ground and all kinds of ground inbetween, I generally encounter those on one side or the other. Those not on either side tend to be those who I call psuedo-religous/psuedo-atheistic. They are religous when things go wrong but live thier life like there is no God. They tend to be wrapped up in culture and this lame idea of coolness. As far as I'm concerned, there is no objective coolness. Its in the eye of the beholder and socially constructed. So yeah..... I'm in like some weird limbo between all this.

I know this is long but I feel like writing. Its been like forever. Ok, I shouldn't use "like forever" cuz it sounds I dunno, not me. What has appealed to me the most are those people who embraced openess and a broad sense of spirituality. You know those people who believe like God isn't from any particular religion but is like the higher power that created us to be genuine and act with love. So that is almost me but then, the christian in me is like, hey hey hey, you better not be questioning the bible and Jesus. You just better not. It says the holy trinity is the real truth and the rest is just psuedo religion. If you believe that stuff and not embrace Jesus as your personal lord and savior, you will not be one of God's people. And I better believe the bible is the actual Word of God, or else.... Plus, there is some I do believe in. There is some proof that it could really be holy. So then I can't figure out a concrete way of being or living. Its a fine line I try to balance.