Wow, its been a stressful week. This schedule is killing me. I wake up at 7 and get out of college at 8PM most of the time. I get home at like 9:30. Ofcourse, then when we get home, I make dinner sometimes, but you don't know when, and even when you know when, it will take a long time, and with hassle. So yeah, really burned out. And then this weekend, I ended cleaning up the house.

Talked to Ray for a lil bit. He's always nice to talk to. *i say that alot, don't i?* Though basically I rant about the delusionalness of christianity. *and that of my own life* There were a couple of birthday parties he invited us to, but me and michelle decided not to go. Too tired. Too much having to be fake happy. Moreover, going to Fay's *Carmen's mom" 6o something birthday, Andriana's 6th, and Cathy's *Ray's mom* like 40 something party just wasn't appleaing to me. I barely know them. And Michelle didn't want to see Carmen because she hasn't called her since and didn't specifically invite Michelle. *besides the other shunning behavior of Carmen's at the church* So yeah, we didn't go. I mean, it'd be nice to go because I think they all want to throw us a baby shower, but really, I'm not gonna go so that they could be more friendly to me. Besides, I don't really even want a baby shower. I'm feeling anti-social about it.

In some sense, I feel like I can do it all on my own. I absolutely abhor depending or hoping on people. Frankly, I'm tired of the disappointment. Especially after I bascialy found out that someone I know who I thought was closer to me than is essentially lied to me. *since they read this, their name will go unwritten* Half of me wants to tell them that I know that they are lying and infact and prove it to them. Though the other half doesn't want to burn the few bridges I do have, even if they're not a sturdy as I had deluded myself into percieveing. So yeah, I haven't said anything, yet. Doing so would be a catharsis, but would ultimately mean losing someone that I'm otherwise ok with.

Besides all that, things are ok. Michelle got W.I.C. and food stamps. *though just barely with our income* We'll lose it shortly after Michelle has report the size of this months check. The hard time will be when the baby comes. That is a lil iffy. Though burning our saving *argh, again* should help us til I get my degree. What'll make it more tougher than it should be is that I have to quit my job in December. The reason: The classes I need to be truely prepared for grad school are only offered in the mornings. *also need to finish a few degree requirements* Yes, I get to look forward to Adv. Stat. analysis, Psycho-bio, Cognitive Neuroscience and Physiological Psych. Notice the bio emphasis. All the good universities want those. Then, after that quarter, I'll fall just 5 units short. *sucks for me*

If you haven't noticed by now, my faith isn't doing so good right now. *has it ever* I just don't believe. I think I just call myself christian sometimes because atheist has such a negative connotation. I want to believe. Just, there isn't any solid proof. At the end, its all about believing just because. *sigh* I wish I was raised a believer. I wouldn't feel so depressed when I hear about a death or thinking about my own. Yet, there is no reason to really live. Its just better than not experiencing. I suppose I only live to pass on my DNA. Maybe activate some norepinephrine *andrenoline* and interpret it as fun. Also, there is this innate drive to connect to people. Even for such an introvert such as myself.

In psychology, they say people just really want to be heard and understood. I guess I want that too. Though I'd toss in there love. I like love. YUMM, love. But alas, we're programmed by God to mainly love our spouses and family. *even animals are like that* Then why would I expect more? Am I stupid? Nah, just emotionally needy. Ugh, that's fucken annoying. I DON'T WANT TO NEED ANYONE FOR ANYTHING! Yet, I still allow myself to be weak. Stupid past didn't fulfill my needs. Infuckencredible. I can't believe I still try to substitue the love I lacked in the past to still haunt me. I know better than this. I have a choice in this matter. *or do I?* Chemically, I let the GABA make me feel down *by saying how unloved I am/was* then when that goes away, yummy serotonin makes me feel better after all the sadness is out. Cognitively, its something like, "If I am/was unloved, then I am worthless". I can even psychoanalyize it and turn it into an exsistential model if I want. THough I think you get the point.

Anyways, its time to go. I got a lot to do tomorrow. *sigh* Gawd, *another sigh* take this cup away from me. *as I look at my wall* Is this it? Is life about getting and doing more stuff? I am feeling really dysphoric right now. Yeah, that's a good word to describe me right now, dysphoric. *look up dysphoria if you don't know what it is* Will my life end up like this wall? Exsist for a while, serve a lil function, and eventually be torn down? Maybe that's my legacy. Like so many before me, I'll become dirt, never to be mentioned or thought of again. Maybe, I'll end up next to this wall one day. *or a part of it* It could integrate into my molecues and we could be one big lump of grass. *nervous laugh* Though unlike this wall, I exist not in peace, but with subtle pain. Perhaps its not so bad being grass and other assorted carbon molecues.