The last few days were so blah. Nothing good, nothing bad. Just blah. Stuck in a rut I suppose. I keep feeling like I'm waiting for something great to happen in my life. My days very from Alright to slightly down to down to ok. Here and there it seems I get a good day. I always wonder to what extent the chemicals in me control my mood. Then overcourse the environment isn't great. I know what I should do to improve my life. I am just to damn lazy to really go out there and implement it. I do wonder how much of my life would be fixed with money. It opens up a lot of options. The common saying is that money can't buy happiness. But if its the only thing stopping you, then maybe. Well, I still believe to fill the "void" that life does have to have a purpose and the only real worthy purpose is God. While I know that about God and stuff, I still have so many questions and doubts and stuff.

Got to take a test tomorrow for some school district job. Its a clerk thing. Even if I pass, its not like I get a job. Its just I qualify for one of thier jobs. I worry about the Excel portion.

In other news, I dreamed about my dead grandma. I asked her how was death and she says she didn't remember anything about dying. I do miss her plus I do sorta believe that its possible that death just is complete nothingness. Though I try not to embrace that atheistic idea. Then there is no point to nothing and love is just our obsession for a stable fertile mate. I just could never totally accept that either because then that just sucks. Though the inverse says that even abortions have meanings and that people in other countries without a chance to hear the one so-called true religion just are here for no apparent reason. I mean, they can't go to heaven for simple ignorance. How would that work? Then you can't send them to hell for being socialized wrong and never getting a chance. So yeah, its really tough for me. Damnit, I just I was just brought up totally Christian or something and just accepted that as life. Questioning my meaning is annoying. Everyone thinks they're right, but that's not possible. Anyways, as for the whole God thing being like what you percieve your parents, its more about how you view things such as forgiveness. Parents critical of you, you may in turn thing God would hate you. Or maybe they never would totally forgive you and thus you think God wouldn't. I could be wrong. Anyways, I'm done for now. Later