Its 2 am right now. I feel need to write right now. SO I am. I think I haven't came 100% with feelings. One reason, I didn't want to seem like I was dwelling on a subject. What is this feeling I'm talking about??? Being scared. Scared of what you say. THE tumor. While I don't much talk about it on diary and don't much say it to friends, I still do think about tumor much of my waking day.

I know honey will be glad I'm being open with feelings. JUst I felt if I kept writing about my fear of tumor, someone would tell me to shut up and move on. I don't know why I care what someone would tell me. I do. I don't actually anymore, is why I'm discussing the tumor again. What scares me about it. Well, for one, its in my brain. That is scary thought in its self. A lump of mass in the brain that don't belong. THen the thought that it could grow in wrong direction and touch nerve on brain, killing me. *or giving me some crazy disability* Scared that once a girlfriend finds out about it she won't like me anymore. scared that this tumor will get me killed in surgery. Scared that I will always have something growing in me and I will forever have to be on guard. I hate the damn tumor. I KNOW HATE IS STRONG WORD! I DON"T CARE! I HATE IT!! Forces to face the fact That I can die. NOt just die someday, but SOON! I know tomorrow isn't promised, but is scary knowing that death has high probibility of happening in near future.

Well, there it is, what I think about. Though there is more stuff,that is main thing. Even around friends, while having fun, I'm thinking, I may miss out on this. I could die right now, or have another one of them strokes. Its like the thing takes up a huge portion of my life. I just don't put it cause i feel better about just putting events of life on here. ANyways, I'm tired of being open, bye bye