Loads of depression. It started with kaliko, she is down about her life. I'm not sure what it is, and while I'm really want to know, I respect her desire for privacy. Though to be really frank, I feel that the walls she has put slightly bother me. Despite that, I still consider her the person I feel closiest to online. *Overall, she's tied for second* Anyways, I really hope that she finds a way to resolve whatever is bugging her because she don't deserve the kind of pain she's going through. *no one does really*

Today, I find out that the person in my Theatre Arts class, Sarah is also down. Ok, she called me right. So then, she was talking about how she found a script we can rehearse. *part of the project in class* So we were arranging days and I told her that Sunday should be a good day. She then told me she might have to go back to the hospital. I was like, "Go back?" She was like yeah, my kindneys keep bothering me and the doctors are concerned about me. I was like, "well, whenever is ok with me" She was like "um, ok.." Her tone however was really shakey. I was like, "are you ok?" She was like, "um, I'm worried about this. Just when I'm ready to move to San Diego this has to happen" So I'm like "damn, that sucks. I know how that nervousness is, I had that when I found out about my tumor" She was like, "yeah". So I told her about it and stuff. I told her not to worry, that those doctors know how to fix alot of stuff. So after that, I wasn't sure what to say, so I let her go. I would've said more had she being a friend longer and I could go there. The thing is, I distance myself from most females because I respect Michelle. I know that'd bother her if I was too affectionate and concerned for her. Sarah has a fiancee, so that's not really a problem, but still.

Just a lil later, after chatting to rabbitgoddess, I cooked a cup of noodle for Michelle. My lil bro comes in and has this yummy looking ice cream. So I tell him I want one. He says I have to get the ice cream man before he goes. So I give michelle the cup of noodle, but I rushed it and some soup spilled on her. She was PISSED! SHe yelled, she cryed, she was angry and sad. Eventually she gets over it though. We get into another fight later on and she tells me that she hates her life and wants to die. I asked how much, 1-10, she said an 8. I was like, Oh my God...... No...." So I comforted it her we talked. I then massage her and she falls asleep. That kind of stuff makes me sad, because I can't believe she is feeling like that. I kind of blame myself for it. It's my life that is making her feel this way. So here I am sad myself.

Though that wasn't the only thing going on today. Ok, this started early today. I seen my lil sister home today. I'm like, "your home" She is like yeah, morningtime sickness. So I'm like oh. So then, later, she told me a few of her friends were suspended. I asked her what happened. She said they got caught drinking smirnoff ice. I'm like, "what!" THey're so stupid, how can they do that. She was like yeah, luckly, I didn't get in trouble. Though I saw them in the office and this guy kept burping. She then went to clean the living room.

I was digesting what she said and it clicked. Why is she cleaning if she told my mom she was sick? How could she see people in the office and know this guy was burping. Wouldn't she have class? Is she suspended? So I see her again. I ask, "how long were they suspended?" SHe says, "oh, only 1 day" I think, oh interesting. So I let it go for the moment til my mom gets home.

I decide to make my mom rat on her. So I say, "hey, I heard vanessa got suspended for drinking" She was like, "yeah, they aren't gonna let her go to dances, the 8th grade trip or graduate on stage". I think, ha, i knew it. So then I tell vanessa that my mom told me about everything. She was like, " I was just there, I didn't do anything though" So I buy it and so does my mom. THen her friend andrea comes over. Her mom says, " I'm glad Andrea didn't get suspended, she knew better than to drink any of that" So I'm thinking, "OH MY GOD, she drinks and lyed about the whole thing" Meanwhile, my mom is really causal about it. I whisper to her, "Aren't you gonna do something" She says, "its her life, she is the one that isn't gonna be able to do all that stuff" So I look at her like, so that's ok? Not only that, but she was gonna go to the theatre with andrea and some gay friend of hers that was drinking too?! So I said it loudly, "Your letting her go to the theatre after this?!!!" She is like, "SHe better not do it again, or else" I'm like, "IF I were you, she'd be in a different school, not allowed on the phone or computer and she'd always have to clean" She says, "You can't stop her, my mom couldn't stop me".

I'm confused. Isn't my mom suppose to be more mad than I am? So I tell her, "DO YOU WANT HER TO END UP LIKE YOU?!" She tells me that she knows vanessa won't. *and how is this?* Her GPA is 1.37! Yet, my mom is getting her a cell phone too?! I know she is paranoid and openly admits she favors her because she is a girl, but this is ridiculous! At this rate, she definately won't graduate high school. She's already doing this in middle school. What drives me nuts is that my mom doesn't give me any authority over the situation. She says it is her kids, and for me to worry about myself and MIchelle. She says, "You made it on your own. I didn't have to do anything. I was passed out most the time and you still made it to college. You know why, because you wanted to. You can't force anyone" With that, I gave up.

I'm not sure what I feel right now. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel ok. I feel disappointed. I feel sympathtic. I feel hurt. I feel confused. I feel lost. The jumble in my head is hard to manage sometimes. My mind is jumping all over the place. From Michelle, to kaliko, to vanessa to myself. These people are all very important to me, yet I feel like I can't do anything to help them. Marine biologist isn't sounding too bad right now....