Michelle has a test today in cognitive psychology. So I came up here with her so that I could be supportive and study my own stuff. Even though I didn't need to be up here, I figured, since I'm not working anymore, I should be up studying. *which I have since I quit last week. Oh, I should write about that.

Last week was a very difficult week. I had 3 midterms in 3 days. So I had to skip the week and decided to quit so that I could focus more on schoolwork and so that I wouldn't get fired for excessive absences. *I had quite a few* Not working will be ok in that grant/scholorship money that I just recieved should supplement my work checks. *around 1,500 per quarter* Should I even write that? Ah, who cares. So that takes out any extra money that would've been around, though we should be ok with Michelle's income for now. In the meanwhile, I am even moreso responsible for chores around the house. Basically, when Michelle and I get home, I generally am at her mercy. Its a fair tradeoff in our minds. Plus, I am looking to get a research assistant position soon; to boost my grad school hopes. *also builds experience* I would like to be involved with personality or development research. Though I may just do some cognition research as it is the hot subject in psych research.

Lets see, what else. Oh yeah, I emailed Ray. Perhaps its faster to cut and paste the email. It starts with him emailing me saying:

"Hey -

Been busy? Carmen is turning 42 on Sunday, and we're thinking about going to dinner, although we're not sure where. Her family, friends, and some church members should be there... Wanna come?

Call me tonight.
Ray"

So I call him on Friday and Saturday, but he isn't available. Then Sunday he leaves me a message on my answering machine. I don't see it till Monday. I reply:

"Hey there, sorry about not coming. I wasn't home Sunday to get your message, though I should've contacted you nonetheless.

Me and Michelle weren't up to going to the party because one, we were tired *as always* and two, we *especially I* didn't want to be a downer for something that is supposed to be a positive event. I figured faking upbeat isn't worth it for either of us.

I hope you guys had a good time.

"I quit my job and I'm available more often, though I'mma try to focus more on school and my emotional health. I'll keep in touch with you when I'm not being so pessimistic and otherwise negative. *how often is that?* N-E-Ways, take care and have a nice week." -tino

He then replies with:

"Quit your job? Don't worry about being a downer, you just need to hang out with positive people and believe that it will rub off. I do.

I'm actually looking for another job myself - my Aunt Stella (on my dad's side) works at TrueValue Hardware warehouse, and she's says her supervisor has a position open doing office work. So I'm hoping that it works out.

My boss is depressed and it stresses me out during the day, but when I get off of work and I see Carmen my cares seem to go away. She really rubs off on me - its kinda crazy! If you don't think you know me let me show you my mushy and vulnerable side for a sentence or two - I've never showed emotion or cared to pursue it, but now that I'm with Carmen I like the emotions that she brings out of me and it seems like she's my only source of pure emotional happiness. To go from no emotion to a dependence on someone for emotional support makes me feel very weak and it's scary to be weak but its exciting also.

I've never been content with the relationships I've had with people emotionally but I'm happy with what I have with her. My mom is there for me physically but not emotionally. My family isn't there, and although I try to reach out to my dad's side of the family there will never be a closeness because the damage done when my dad left my mom because his parents didn't approve of an interracial marriage will always be an issue, ever shrinking. There's none of that with Carmen - her family is starting to figure out we're together and she actually heard some smart remarks on her birthday which kinda made her upset but it strengthened us. So we're on the same page and I have something to look forward to.

I'll bet you've experienced similar situations with Michelle. Maybe that's why we think so much alike. Anyway, since you're so free don't be all school and no play - hit me up sometime!

Ray"

So then I reply today with:

"Yeah, I quit because I had 3 exams in a week and needed time to focus and didn't want to get fired. Though now I'm looking to get some research experience so that when I apply to grad school, my application is competitive. *as I'm told top-flight univeristies like UCLA want great GPAs, letters of recommendation and relevant research experience*

As for the rubbing off, I think the relationship would be more akin to me putting a damper on what you two have, much like your boss.

Glad that Carmen has helped you realize the mushyness you had all along. Yes, you always had been mushy, though it seems no one was interested in bringing that out in you before carmen. The emotional aloofness was just your way of returning the coldness others showed u. *here I go being all psychologist again* I should stop....N-E-Ways...

Hmmm....to be honest, your frequent use of sentances like "she's my only source of pure emotional happiness" *not just in this email, but in real life* has also led me to want to be somewhat aloof from yourself. For me, I'm all opposite. I want to overattach to people. So I keep my distance, especially when I feel someone isnt trying to have that.

I think we think alike because we both are fairly smart and experienced neglectish stuff from our past. Though the different forms resulted in our differences. I GTG, TTYL. I'll hit u up some time...."
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So that ends that for the moment. I await another email, to see his reply. Just figured I'd post the email just as a reminder to myself of what was going on. *gawd knows in the future if I still have the email address* I hope u guy(s) that do read it find some sort of entertainment value in it. Gives you a lil insight into who I am I suppose. Also, you can have fun trying to read into what I mean by when I quote him as saying "she's my ONLY source of happiness". How am I suppose to take my interactions with him if that is how he feels?

Looking back on it, I feel that I create the distance that I actually don't want. Instead of building on a postive interaction, I skew it negatively and put out a bad vibe. I also question whether I should be as open with my perceptions about him. Though I did have a bit of a filter in not trying to analyze Carmen. I figured I shouldn't as I don't have sufficent info on her, though the human part of me wants to make conclusions already. *both good and bad ones* Psychologically, I know that I haven't really cracked the surface of who she is, 'cept for the few details that Ray offered, which indicate high extraversion and conscientiousness. Besides that, I'd guess moderate neuroticism, openess and agreeableness. *what's that mean?* I use the big five model to make intial assessments. Not the deepest model, but you can sorta guess people's behaviors by knowing these 5 factors. For example, if I know someone is highly extraverted, I also know that the person may not like to read for long periods of time, has trouble being alone *meaning no social interactions at all*, and may be overdramatic in thier emotions.

Seems like I'm going off on a tagent. I suppose that is accurate. Not sure what else to say about the Ray situation or school. So who can guess where I rank on the big five? Ok, I'm going to write it out. Write yours out first, if you're that bored and want to see how I perceive myself.

I'd say I have moderate neuroticism , low extraversion, high openness to experiences, low agreeableness and low conscientiousness. So as you could see, me and Carmen would probaly only get along when talking about issues of accepting others and trying things out for the first time. *except food* We'd likely conflict over things such as self-discipline and how much to faith to have in things. Anywho, it seems the time for my rambling must come to an end. For it is time to catch the bus.