"And .... if you are bitter because mankind and life in general is one big disappointment, does that mean you are now part of that disappointment by not being a good friend? Does that not then make you part of the disappointing mankind?"

Ironic, ain't it? You're right though. In the words of Ghandi, I should "be the change I wish to see" Yeah...... it is really hard to rise above the pain and "just do it". Sadly, I am becoming what I dispise. Awareness of this will hopefully help me in trying to become what I hope to see reflected in others.

I guess I just got to get over the fact that I've been betrayed by my family and those who I once thought were my friends. Ofcourse, I play a part in my life and thus, I must be responsible for something. Its hard for me to see that role, but logically I know I did. People just don't do things randomly. *sigh*

I think I overly indulge in the anger and sadness I feel. I think that is atleast part of my resistance to God and all that stuff. I feel as though as those that speak so beautifully about christianity and the love near seem to be able to demonstrate it in their actions. This, despite the fact that I now know that these people are not true representations of Jesus but
just regular people who are trying to be good.

Yeah... I think that is one reason many dismiss the christian message. That coupled with the condemnation one feels from christians.

Anyways, I'm way off point and sorry for the long comment. Point is that maybe I need to change myself. And frankly, I don't know that that's possible unless through the grace of God or something. I feel so dissappointed....in myself and others... I feel as though I was lied to. Thus, I think the only people who feel the brunt of this are my "friends". Or if that should be a singular term. *as in friend* Though I don't even know who they are anymore. I mean, I thought online people were friends, but this online thing is really odd. Like, I could tell people my upmost personal things and there still isn't a connection. Offline, people don't seem to want to talk about serious matters. Atleast not with me. Is it cuz I'm male and we don't talk about serious issues? *most of us don't, 'cept with our spouse* I dunno....

Hmm... this comment is gonna get even longer, I'll leave this comment and add to it as part of an entry. Thanks for the comment, it has me thinking.

Anywho, I think I have got closer to happiness but at the same time, I think psychology has got me questioning my whole reality of what I was told as a child. I think back and wonder, "was any of my beliefs real?" I had so many negative thoughts about just being myself. Only to later realize that those voices didn't originate from me but from society. My beliefs were part TV and part church. Tv told me that all families are happy at the end. They said people always succeed if they try hard. Church told me that there are "good" people out there that will help you when you're down. That God catches everyone when they fall. They said everyone who didn't believe what I did was evil and would go to hell.

So then I found out that these were lies. I then thought I could change this. LOL, that was a delusion. At best, I found that maybe, MAYBE I could help a few people. As I proceeded through college, I found all the political and other crap that people use as a means of getting thier way and imposing thier biased opinion on others. And now I feel that this is one MEAN world. Its so cold. I still want to help, make it nicer but I have so many seeds of anger at how we as a species continue to blow are chance at having an ideal world.

All this leads me to think, humans, so pathetic. Myself included. The only motivation for real change in myself is so selfish too. Just so I can be happy. Even in the ESL class I help teach, I feel so cynical. I help them learn English, but only because I'm paid to do so. If I preach, I feel like I'm forcing my opinions on others. If I help the poor or some sick animals, I wonder if its just for my own esteem. I mean, is it wrong to do a nice thing for the wrong motivations. I can't seem to have much genuine motivation. Even when I do empathize someone, its only because I'm curing my own wounds symbolicly. I caught myself doing this as I sympathized with someone who has struggled through college but not for this bum I seen carrying her bags everywhere. You see this everywhere too. Who goes to the benefit runs of those with lung cancer? Mostly those who have lung cancer, or those who know someone "close" to them that does. Where are all the christian runners and donors? But let's say there is a rally for , I dunno, an anti-homosexual marriage ammendment, and in come the dollars and ralliers.

I could go on but I think you get the point. So from my perspective, its really hard to do something truely truely genuine, like help or donate to a cause that is just good. Not because I know someone who has it or because I had it, but because it helps people with, say, cystic fibrosis.

This crap drives me nuts. To know what I should do and yet I freeze out of selfishness. And its not just me either. Its most people. So there you have it. I think. Even right now, I wonder, what is my motivation for this entry? What do I want? I mean, I could write this private, but I don't, do I? Is it that I want social support? Do I want to convert you to my way of thinking? Am I using this to air out my subconscious? I'd like to say its the latter reason, but honestly, it might be a combination. Though, I suspect many diarists on here do the same. I know I don't do it for attention, anymore. I stopped counting the hits and worrying about the members on my notify list. Ofcourse, this only happened after I proved I could write a diary that could generate hundreds of hits a week and dozens of notify members. You may be wondering, what diary was that? That is for the long time friends of this diary to know. I will only hint at some initials, D.C. And that was quite a while ago. Maybe a year ago or so? Hehehe. That's all for now.