Lately life has been fairly up and down. Me and Michelle are clicking one moment, the next we're arguing about complete B.S. Was optimistic about some jobs and been recieving quite a few rejection letters. I hate those. They are so phony. Thank you for applying but unfortuantatly the position has been filled. We wish you luck. What they should really say is what they mean. We found someone better and decided to let you know to beat it and go bug some other company. We could give a shit about what really happens to you, whether you drown in finacial debt or not is not something we really care about. Printing this paper was even a waste, we should switch to emailing or simply leaving you waiting and ignoring your calls.

I guess it could be worse. I could've been on those twin towers 4 years ago. Or down south in New Orleans. But as humans we seem to never really appreciate what we got until its brutally snatched away. I'm sure all this would mean nothing if my apartment was just a pile of sticks now. The grass is always greener on the other side. I mean, I am doing better than 4 years ago. Wanted a girl and got it. Wanted to live in a better and nicer area, did it. Lost some of those unsightly pounds. I'm sure I can go on and on.

The only thing I really worry about is losing my emotional self. I do realize that I'm not in touch with those icky emotions anymore. I have my moments but its like I roll my own eyes at myself with my problems. I dunno, its a tough balance. I'm suppose to be both logical and compassionate. I think college has pounded a crap load of logic in me and squezzed out some of the compassion. I think the self-compassion is what has gone the most. I still have some compassion for others, though sometimes I catch myself thinking that people in general are stupid. In groups, people do tend to make stupid decisions. I like individual humans mostly but not most in groups. Groupthink makes me sick. Plus its thanks to evil society that it took this long to finally see that they programed a lot of my illogical feelings about myself. A part of us just wants to trust what the group says. If so many say it, it must be true. I forgot the name of the famous psychological experiment that made people conform but that just shows how much they change the way we think.

I will be looking for more work tomorrow. So sick of looking for work. Yet, there is no alternative since I decided to drop all my classes again and focus on work with Michelle. Wish me luck or something.