Ok, so I'm kinda bored. I've decided to do an entry that will probaly only make sense to me. Feel free to read, just know that it probaly be a lil long and confusing. Without further adue, time for a lil figuring out of my character.
I think best word to describe me is passive. Is me. I usually don't fight back, i kinda just roll with the punches. Also, I tend to care for others more than myself. Strong sense of morals come to mind. *even though at times I break my own rules* Ok, the long part, figuring out how I could turn out like that. Wasn't exactly raised this way. OR was I?
Well first off me being passive isn't natural. I think everyone's first defense is to fight back. At one point I was a lil violent at school. When I was very lil, about 6 I cracked this kid's head open with a metal lunch pail. I was just mad cause he cheated in tag. Said I had to be it 1000 times before I could get chased. Then again at 7, I pushed this girl onto metal part near slide. Made her bleed. At home, I was still living with dad which was very abusive. He had strict rules and enforced them. So I guess I took it out at school. Then we moved away from him.
Got to my current city and got to be free from the rules. All of them, reason, mom was too busy enjoying her freedom and partyed. SO for awhile we were all happy. I got to do whatever and so did big bro. I had some friends and had much fun. THen we moved to different part of town. That is where my mom started to let big bro be in control. She didn't want to do anything so she would tell him. That is where the abuse started again for me. I couldn't do anything to fight back either. He was too strong and I couldn't plea to my mom cause she was too busy doing her thing. I think that was begining of me being passive. Then I discovered church with Ray. *I'm still like 9 at time* Church kinda taught me to be passive. One thing that has always stuck, "Do onto others as they would do to you" At school, I had no definate self so I didn't hang out with anyone. I was so conflicted, I wanted to be nice and considerate yet I was to not be pushed by anyone. Wasn't cool being nice and considerate while being a guy. So I basically sat around and watched the action at school during recess. Start adopting attitude of just not wanting to say or do anything to get anyone to hate me. *wonder how it would've been diff if Ray had been in same grade as me* Also, at home lil sis was born. *though at time my grandma more took care of her*
By 12 I started to really start taking care of lil sis. Was only way I could get some of the love I needed. I believe is when I started to have care for others than myself. Also, lil bro was born. Not only that, but grandma wasn't taking care of them like she should. I guess I took burdon apon myself to watch them. I don't regret it. I grown to love them and getting them things always was a joy. *since I never really had things* I did have quite a few action figures, but is all. A bike here and there. Wasn't all that deprived. My mom in the mean while was settling down a bit while with lil bro's dad. Then he left her after lil bro was born. She started going out more.
The last year my brother beat on me on regular basis was 14. I stood up for self and he understood. By then he felt a lil bad as he would let me know. Besides, he was so much out of house his authority dwindled. STill I didn't have my morals till about 15. Went to a chruch called victory outreach. Was ok, but was first church I went on in regular basis. *I did try out diff ones before that one* At I believe 17 is when I started going for baptism in Seventh day adventist church. I'm glad I always went to church, kept me from indulging in negative impulses. Not saying I didn't, I by no means was perfect. I did alot of things that I regret. Too many to list. Tryed alot of things once. I'm kinda scared to think what I would've been like had I not had church.
So that basically explains that. Though doesn't explain all of me. Don't know why i'm trying, just figured I'd try. There are so many elements I haven't coverd. Just I don't know who I am and I'm trying to define it so I know. Still not sure why I do one thing as opposed to another. Why do I act like me and not you. What scares me too is that not knowing me leaves me impressionable. I kinda try to grab what I see as good attributes in others and put them to me even if its not me. Think that is part of my clinging nature. I cling onto people so I can see what they do and how they act, then kinda assimilate to me. I know, I shouldn't do that, but I believe its what I do. WEll, i'm gonna cut it short till i reread this and see what else I could put. Was enjoyable writing this.