Yup, its yet another entry about me feeling like I'm gonna be that christian I always wanted to be. Well, in typical fashion I think I will write about how this time is different and when the chips are down I'm gonna turn to him instead of myself. Not only that, but do what is pleasurable to him, not me. Ok, enough poking fun of myself, time to write the entry.

First things first. WHY? Why even go back? Why bother trying being a christian when its such a burdon. *sigh, hmmms* Well, for one, logically I know its the road to happiness. *though some may stand to debate that, I compare to non-religous world, they are less happy* Second, my emotions tell me I'm more comfortable when I'm atleast trying to serve him than when I'm trying to serve me. *weird how that works* Third, it helps me deal with my issues. Yeah, seriously. While you may think that christianity may create its own issues, *also debateable* I believe that they are acceptable issues. Not only that but following God gets me to heaven. *basically, i believe we are judged on motivation for our lives, if for self, you go to hell, if for him, you go to heaven* Fourth, the ever present fear of hell. Hell doesn't sound like a place i wanna be. Fifth and final reason, it just feels right. * I don't think i need to justify that*

Now that I covered why, thing is, what does this mean in my life. Well, means changing my motivation for life. As of right now, I live for me. I do what is pleasurable to me and whatever will keep me out of harms-way. So the thing is, I need to change my motivation for living. If I can do that, I believe the chips will fall into place. Once the motivation changes, I think I can stop doing things that are displeasing to him. I will be doing it for the right reason too, not to impress someone or to say I'm doing it, but just cause I love him.

That all sounds good. Let's see if I can actualy do it. Hopefully I'm not on here next week writing about how guilty I feel for not doing what I want and falling back into living just for me. *thinks about self* wow, i'm complicated. I'm contradictory too. I believe its because the logic vs. emotion battle going on inside of me right now. Right now, I think its safe to say emotion has been winning the inner battle in me. *wow, this is different* It wasn't always like that. In fact, I bet if you go back enough entries, you can see where the logic in me beat out emotions. LOL! I wonder if its the hormones kicking it, giving the emotions stronger influence. Crazy how some chemicals can affect the mind. I liken them to drugs. *well, they kinda are* I mean, I feel under the influence of something, that's for sure. Its really weird. Anyways, that is all. ~END~