More than ever before, I've been really going through some ups and downs. *those that have chatted with me would probaly say more downs* :) Understandable. Taking into account that I usally go on the computer already down. I can't quite pin down the reason though. I mean, it can't be the pills as much as I would like to blame something. I've taken them for months, yet only now have I really went into an emotional "slump". The stress levels are dramatically lower. Big bro is in his garage now. He don't even come in unless to use bathroom. Mom is working and actually said, "I have been praying that I can change" *hmm, don't wanna get my hopes too up that she might change her alcholic ways* The lil bro and sis are ok. Grandma just there. WHAT IS MY DEAL?! This is what I ask for. Blah Blah Blah wish things were calm. I get that, then I'm not happy?!

I guess since I still am not "with" God. If that is even possible. *no, i'm not going into my disbelief cause it can only do harm* That is a whole nother subject I'm not ready for. I DO believe, just...... Long story. Anyways, I wish I could trust God more, but I guess I really don't. I usally try to rationalize things using my own thoughts. I never really think about what GOD would have me do. I'd love to say I did, but truth is I don't.

Another related thingy I have been thinkin bout is showing someone this. THE DIARY. Yup. Who, well Jeff. *friend that keeps trying to see what is wrong* Well, I thought maybe I'd show him cause he told me some of his thingys. Like he told me how he had OCD *Obsessive Compulsive Disorder* and ADD *attention deficit disorder*. How personal is that. He has also said some other things. I thought wow, if he can be that open, maybe I should be. Not sure. And I might have a new person on my links menu, lil sis. I think she discovered what DD meant. My email identity opened up, instead of hers. DAMN Outlook Express. ANyways, she had expressed interest in joining DD. Though I think I won't let her read my diary. I'm not sure yet. Though I wonder how deep she would write. plus I'd probaly be up here helping her. Maybe I can milk something. No, that is wrong. *If she dont' wanna tell me, then I shouldn't get her to write bout it* ANyways, I'll keep ya'll posted on that and if I let Jeff read. Though I'd make him promise not to read future entries. *he seems pretty trustworthy* I'd have to make him swear to God. Even though I hate making people "Swear to God". I feel that is so phoney alot. Ok, enough already, my cat keeps wanting me to lay with him. I wonder if there is school later, it is "columbus day". Is that a holiday? Oh, thanks for everyone that chats to me, and to anyone that does want to chat, feel free to im me anytime. My screen names are down below. That is all. Later, alligators.