First, I must cover yesterday. Ok, yesterday, was mainly spent with lil bro and lil sis. One of the few days that I actually spend nearly whole day hanging out as oppossed to supervising. *much different* We did quite a few things, from board games, to video games, to talking. I enjoyed the talking the most. Happened about 11PM. I know, late, but what the heck. That is when I got to do alot of listening and alot of answering questions.

One of the things discussed was when lil bro and sis went into C.P.S. *Child Protection Services* custody. What happened is someone called after lil sis jumped from the car while my mom's now locked up boyfriend was driving. SHe was scared of his driving and wanted to get out. The event happened while I was a christian summer camp. THough while discussing it, lil sis pointed out they weren't taken permantly by then. *for some reason, I remembered them being taken for good by then, I think I somehow blocked some of the events, they however didn't* Anyways, while they discussed it, I asked them about thier feelings. *was a VERY deep talk* Lil sis was angry and sad. Lil bro was scared and confused. Believe it or not, first time I actually discussed it with them in detail. They wondered why I wasn't there with them. The reason, I was 17 at the time, I guess too much to deal with. I wish I was there with them, it broke my heart not knowing exactly where they were and how they were doing. Plus, lil bro was forced to sleep alone. I used to sleep with him in my bed back then. *wow, didn't think I'd start nearly crying when I first started this entry*

Their experience there wasn't all that pleasant. They did have some of the stuff we never had, but that didn't matter, they weren't with family. Also, the other kids at the foster home treated them mean. *I explained to them that they were that way cause they were permanants there, I believe jealous of them cause they had loving family* Also, they weren't too happy with the discipline there. *here, they never get punished for over a day and usually I'm very lax with it* To make a long story shorter, eventually my mom got the rights to have them home after like 6 months. Lil bro and sis were happy obviously.

Moving on. *still a lil choked up* Today, I went to the college to go get classes. Apparently, they lost my paperwork where I had picked my classes. I get there to find I can't even handle that till Monday. GRRR. Walked over a mile and waited for bus 45 minutes to find this out! What really sucked is that it was raining. I almost started to get upset but caught myself getting upset and stopped it. So, when I get back home, I start to think about me. Who I REALLY am. What has affected me. Ok, I think I know why I think the way I do. Alot of the stuff that I've went through/still going through. Like what? Well, verbally and physically abusive dad then big brother. *I don't get beat any more* Being poor. *that embraces alot* Having tumor. Socially isolated while going through school. Alcholic mom that hasn't showed interest in me till very recently. Having to watch lil bro and sis while they were growing up. Constantly having to move while growing up. The C.P.S. thing.

So, what are those, excuses? No, reasons as to why I am me. I believe those are the things that has kinda gave me a negative outlook on life. Among other things. Obviously I can't write or think of all the things that has affected my thinking. As what to do now that I know all this? I dunno. And right now, I'm drained. Oh yeah, called it family secret cause I believe the C.P.S. thing will never be discussed outside this family. *well, the internet doesn't count* Ok, that is all. ~end~