Return to Reality | DearDiary.Net

Lately, I found myself feeling resentful. Honestly, I wanted people to support me in comments. I felt angry and bitter. Then, it hit me. Why am I depending on people? I should be depending on God. The whole diary thing is for me to read about my past, not for emotional support. I guess all my stress and me being frightened about there being no purpose to life got me blinded to the reality of what was/is going on. This diary has been my crutch. I should be walking by now. Besides, I got Michelle here too. Not to mention my ever expanding knowledge of psychology. I think I have to change this perspective.

I have this crazy lil ideal that people will love who I am and that when I'm in need, they will always be there for me. I guess this stems from the fact that my mom has NEVER been there for me. Her and her partying to 40. And now her introverted, depressed alcholic. Also, I think me not being able to express anything to my friends is another reason. *I'm a guy, we don't express feelings* Lastly, its probaly because of being poor. It makes one needy. Always depending on others to come through when your out. Anyways, enough of the psychoanaylical crap. Point is I know I have to change.

This process of change is hard. I don't like being cold. I like the emotional world. This is especially hard to do being a christian. I'm suppose to do "God's will". Hell, can't even do what's good for me, much less the creator of life as we know it. Support from other christans has been hard since I'm very skeptical and I don't integrate very well because of that. Most christian encounters I've had usually have people that don't have any questions. *atleast to me* Honestly, I am only believing now because I'm scared as hell to die and wake up to find I was wrong about God. Also, the thought of total nothingness after death scares the hell out of me. I know it shouldn't be fear that is driving me, but faith is hard for me to comeby.

As for the rest of life, it sucks. Me and Michelle got into a huge fight. I thought it could be over. We worked it out but that always scares me. Since I've lost most my offline friends and 99% of my online ones, her leaving could be devasting for me. The problem is that I think I made that too apparent to her and now she waives leaving me over my head every now and then. Sometimes I think that'd be best for me. I could work on myself and possibly not need to depend on anyone. That way, I could be independant and emotionally secure. Anyways, I like this song ; Creed: Six feet from the edge. HOLD ME NOW, I"M 6 feet from the edge and thinking, MAYBE six feet ain't so far down..........

It's an easy temptation, isn't it? DD is a good place to vent, share thoughts and feelings, and just have a private place to go and really say what you think. But the community of commenters is very addictive. It can be wonderful help, but it should never be our complete support.

Things look bad now, mostly because you have a difficult family life, but also because of you being in school. College is the most trying time for everyone because your outlook in life and your career plans are constantly in flux. It doesn't truly settle down until you're done with school and get that first job. That's just the way it is. Sometimes I think I should have just gone straight to work.

But keep things in perspective. Even at my lowest, I knew it would not stay that way. All of this will not last, it will change and better things will come. They will. I know it.

And God? He understands. He knows. And HE STILL LOVES YOU. If I have to send an email a day to remind you of that, I will. The thing is, and I'm just learning this so don't feel bad - most of us can't truly trust God because we don't really know Him. Why do you think I'm trying to push myself to more bible study?

So, start simple. The foundation = God loves you. Say that at least once a day. Yes, I'm serious. Currently I'm using the mantra, I work for the Lord. It actually works.

Hang on and don't give up. Prayin for ya.

>^..^<

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