Its about 2 in the morn agian. I'm up agian. Can't sleep. *shrug* Well, might as well write about what made me feel disheartened. I had got off chatting with honey when I hear my mom's friend Sylvia was here. *just her name sent shivers up my spine, she is old friend my mom used to party with* She hasn't changed one bit. Comes over unannoced with her "clubbing" outfit. *its terrible, a 40 y.o. in a mini skirt and sleeveless top* SO she starts talking to my mom. My mom tells her she don't want to go with her. She don't have clothes. *syliva had planned this* She BROUGHT CLOTHES!!! Could you freakin belive that?! My mom looked at it and laughed. *so did i* My mom back in a mini. My mom trys to sit there and tell her that she Really don't wanna go when big bro is comes in. Hears what's going on and starts encouraging my mom to go out. *WHAT THE HELL IS HIS PROBLEM?!!* And then My lil bro's dad does same. I'm only one trying to help my mom back out. Finally, my mom takes her outside, tells her she don't wanna go out and that tomorrow she would though. *friend leaves*

So that is first thing, my mom may go out tomorrow. *I don't know, I know she has VERY low self-esttem and I doubt she would go, and my mom alienates herself more now* Then again, my mom didn't outright tell Sylvia no. Just that she didn't want to go out tonight on short notice. HMMMM NO sure. I hope she don't start that going out crap again. *that is how I was ignored when I was little in first place*

After all that I come in room and just kinda think about stuff, kinda in depresed mood at that moment. Just reflecting, trying to solve stuff. I go on computer to play video games, big bro comes in. I'm like, "WHAT DO YOU WANT" Says I'm gonna lay here till ANgela gets out shower. *I'm like grr, he gets on my nerves, but I don't say nothing aloud* HE then looks at me, and get this, starts to speculate as to why I got my tumor. He's like, I think cause you stress too much you created it. Or maybe it was cause mom and how she raised us. I say," maybe its cause you" He laughs, " Nah, probaly all your pent up emotions. Something. I don't know, you just didn't grow up like you should've" I give him very cold look. Play video games. I think about what he said, then say, "how dare you blame me for causing my own tumor, that is plain wrong" Looks like he was gonna say something, then didn't. Waited for his ANgela go get out, he leaves.

HOW dare he say such stuff to me. HOW FREAKIN DARE!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!! Things like that make me feel like he'll never be saved. *sigh* How could he be so insensitive. HURTs when your own family is like that. Especially when I'm vulnurable. One day I hope he apologizes. A REAL ONE. Not were tomorrow morning he says sorry and smiles and says, you know I was only kidding around. I WANT A HUG! Something real. NO smile.

I do wonder if abuse I had when younger and tramatic events did cause it. *but then every tramatic kid would have tumor* Hmmm, anyways, Ray is messagenging me. Notice he no longer gets title of best friend.