Lots I want to say, not sure what I want to say. *the ususal* Well, i'll start with the title as my first topic.

Well, lots has changed lately. Before all that, lemme tell you who "they" are. They includes: friends, family, and some co-workers. You must be thinkin, why do they hate you then, or when will Jesus come. Well, if your thinking the former, I can help you out on that one. As for the latter, er, um, keep waiting, soon enough he'll be here.

Ok, time to start in order. My friends. Or should I put it, former associates, just don't like me. Many reasons. For some, like Brian and Danielle, I don't spend enough time communicating with them. This leads them to believe that I must be ignoring them because that is the real person I am. *ofcourse they forget to factor in my life, but that would be asking too much now* Others like Jeff and Donald, I've made them hate me. The reason for this is because they are not true friends. They just like to hang out. If i'm hungry or need someone I can trust, they're not who'd I'd turn to. So I have made them not like me by putting them down. *trust me, isn't without warrent, Donald is greedier far beyond what I thought, and Jeff is just a big mouth* Then comes the other stack of friends. MOst of them being just associates like Rosie, April and Candace. They could honestly give a flying F*** about me in anyway and just say hi to me when i'm near them.

Next is my lovely family. Comparable in many ways to any typical dysfunctional family. You got the alcholic mom which likes to put her own kids down despite the fact she amounted to a janitor. You *I* got the rebelious big brother who likes to party and make threats whenever he feels the need. The unchecked bratiness of my lil brother and sister which are now pitted against me in the competition of resources. By that I mean I now don't get any dinner or anything because I'm not a certain age.

As for co-workers, I wouldn't say hate, I'd say more of a not giving a damn. Can't blame them, just that is the way it is.

Do I care? Should I? Well, its complex. On one hand, I feel I need lots of care and acceptance and postive stuff. On the other hand, I realize that most are ill-equipped for such things that they can't even acheive that for themselves. It's like, I want people to like me and stuff, but they can't even like themselves half the time. SO I'm stuck here, usually turning to Michelle for care. Though that is risky because that puts a gigantic reliance on her. She likes that dependance, but it doesn't take a psychology degree to tell you that over-dependance on one person is dangerous. Like a giant rollercoaster with a blindfold on. SOmetimes its Awesome, sometimes its horrible.

Kinda disappointing to myself. After all this time building up friendships and family, it has essentially crumbled. The last topper ofcourse when my mom finally does move with her income tax check and just leave me here with nothing but a 4 year old computer and worn bed. At that point, I dunno. Hell, don't even know now. Job not paying enough for my own place. Hopefully I can transfer before my mom does leave, that way I got a home on some campus. And what even angers me more about all this, its all Lorenzo's ideas. He just wants my mom with two smaller kids, no me or michelle. *even though were not at the house 90% of the time* Just sleep!!!

As for other things in my life, my christianity has gained slight ground. Went to prayer meeting. Almost cryed there. Lots of stuff, made me feel like I didn't belong in a church, felt ashamed of my life. If it don't turn around, it'll complete the sh**iness of my life when I end up in hell, having lived a crapy life and ending up with worser people like Hitler and Saddam. *still can't figure out how hell can encompus the very worse and just the slightly bad* Well, to be more christian, can't judge those, for judge not, for ye will be judged. Whatever. Time for some Loud rock. Can't take this life. Physcially i can, just emotionally i'm a wimp....

~END~