Lately, I think I have become somewhat depressed. The signs are all there and its annoying as hell. What's the trigger? I guess I'd say just life. Life is tiring. I am asked so much from work, school and Michelle. Though nothing in particular has been the cause. I'm suspecting that it is just hormonal. Being that I have no health insureance, I am just trying to combat it with cognitive therapy on myself. I tell myself that there is much worse in the world, which somewhat helps me get away from any self-pity. I also remind myself that stress both comes and goes. So, when I'm really stressed, I say, you know what Tino, this will be gone eventually. And sure enough, it does go away. I use breathing techniques to calm any anger I have. Most of this stuff is pretty good. Though there is one thing that I can't truely provide myself, and that's outside emotional support.

I would like to count Michelle as outside emotional support, but she needs more support than I do. Not that she isn't any help, just, I think that we all need a lil support from someone besides our girlfriends/spouses. A lot of people have thier family to lean on when they are down and that is awesome. Who else will be there like people bound by similar DNA? The problem with me ofcourse, is that my family has more dysfunctions than me too. My mom is more impulsive than a teenage at a mall with a $100. Not to mention her drinking habit and lack of formal education. My big bro and I.......LOL... go to http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=26823178 see if he'll add you to his friends list. There you will see why me and him will never click. Just looking at the lil caption on his myspace as saying, "Boss Tycoon (adj)
Wealthy or powerful leader; top executive, dominator, tends to be saucy, crunk, and captivation" And no, he is not wealthy or powerful though he just thinks he is.

I can't really rely on my lil sister Vanessa either as she is super neurotic being that she just broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years. Before that, she was extremely narcissitic. Though those extremes are what I expect of teens. With Alex, my littlest sibling, well, he's too little. The 12 year age gap makes it difficult. Though, he is promising as he is developing way too much like I did.

So there goes my whole family. I have no extended family. I wished I had cousins and uncles everywhere, but God decided against it. As far as friends, I just don't have that much. I'm too analytical for friends. I'm always trying to look for meaning and purpose while most people just want to mock "lesser" people and talk about things they bought. *depending on social class, they describe in great detail either how much they saved or how expensive a given object was* That's just not what I'm interested in. I've come to realize how much of a psychology nerd I am. I'm Peter Parker without the powers and the muscles. *smirk*

Then comes online people. That's you! I've had great difficulty trying to find your place in my life. I started kinda wanting you guys to be my real family. To help me when I was down and be there when great things happened. *like graduations, weedings etc* However, I think I've finally concluded that this would never happened. You come because you're curious. I'm interesting, atleast I think I am sometimes. Anyhow, I've become so disillusioned that I'm seriously considering going completely private, both with the diary and with my instant messenger. I've deleted a couple people already and figure that if I don't rely on online people, maybe I'll try harder to rely on real life people. I think that would be more likely to be fruitful in the future.

The only thing holding me back is the fact that I really liked that a couple of you have stuck around for awhile and have a fairly complete picture of who I am. You have read things that I wouldn't dare write today. Even now, I hold back. Which, that in itself, has led to fewer entries. Why do I hold back? I think putting out my whole vulnurability had made felt like it'd make for deeper connections. However, I do not believe I got that for whatever reason. *though I think it's because I'm mostly just text* This has given me the insight that just the physical presence of someone makes for a closer bond. Maybe because we can see of what they say stacks up to who they are? Maybe bonds are made by doing joint acts of fun; the fair is fun in itself and then we associate the fair with the person and it strenthens this connection. I dunno.

So, if I disapper from online, you understand why. Maybe we'll meet randomly in the real world. I may still read a few diaries, atleast for a little while. In the meanwhile, this lil wannabe psychologist has to stop focusing so hard academically and start making some stable connections before its too late.

Take care people. I'll write atleast 1 more time.