Last night I had a dream where I went to see my *ex?* friend Ray. You'll note that in my early entries, I called him "best friend". Well, my family went to visit his mom and I came along. I seen him and instantly ran to the bathroom. Wanted to comb my hair. *I like to be presentable when I meet people* Afterward, I seen Ray. I said hi and he just raised his eyebraws. I then woke up.

Not much to the dream, but just that it had me aware of how we used to be friends for SO long. 10 years atleast. I'm not sure that I should've cut him off. If you recall, i cut him off because he always was busy and never made any attempt at a b-day gift. *especially because I bought him a playstation with several games that year* He then subsequently threw it away because he "had to study for college" Of which, he dropped out. Eventually, I told him I didn't want to be his friend. That was that.

Though since then, I think I expected too much. He was there to talk with. That, he was good at. So now, I want to be his friend again but feel that I "weirded it out". I mean, what if I just called him and said, oops, sorry, my bad. I think he'd still be my friend, but it wouldn't be the same. Its been maybe 2 or 3 years. Just wondering how I should approach it.

Besides that, i was stunned yesterday afternoon. Me and Michelle were buying grocercies and we came out and ran for the bus. We missed it. This lady, with her daughter, decided to drive us home. So we chit chatted and that was it. Got dropped out and went home. Saving us atleast 30 minutes.

Its odd to me, especially because as I seen the bus, I said in my head, "Oh come on God, geez" So I was very stunned. I am always surprised that there are nice people out there. I dunno, in one way, right when I'm sure that humans are programmed to be selfish jerks, someone comes along and dissproves it. Then, there is no incentive for them to do it. *well, besides their own esteem, maybe* Ofcourse, like I remember her saying, she said she used to ride the bus before. Could it be that she did it just to heal some old pain or because some form of identification. I have found that when people have helped me with seemingly no motive, there have or had something similar to me. I guess I have a hard time with absolute altruism. Is it real? Am I just some skeptical cynic? Was this God's way of interacting? *though that begs the question, why me and not someone in a famine?*

I guess what shocks me is that those I do consider friends consistently don't come through for me. Yet, I have a bunch of strangers that do. Is it that thier first impression status is involved? Are those that I call friends not really friends but just friendly people? Do I just expect too much? I am aware that on my part, I don't do a whole lot. I dunno... Or maybe I don't wanna know.

I think that I don't do many things altruisticly. I'm always afraid that I'll give too much. I am so selfish. Even when I give to Michelle without a reason, that is because she is my girlfriend. Therefore, that is a reason. I think I am not altruistic because I'm kinda mad. Mad that I wasn't helped when I really really needed it. Thus, I sorta feel like why should I help.

Ofcourse, the logic is there. I should be altrusitic because doing otherwise makes me like the people I hate. Plus, giving just "feels" good. It really does. When you love others, you love yourself. When you hate others, your the one feeling the pain too. Yeah yeah, I know. I just don't feel it.

That is the big problem with us humans. I've noticed on other diaries, that the people know thier problem. They know the solution. They just don't "feel" the solution. Therefore, they can't apply it. It is my conclusion that feelings drive actions more than logic. *hey, that sounds like something I'd say in a paper, lol* Anyways, I think I'm beside whatever it is I was writing about. I got to go anyway. Will be interesting to see what you will say. Though if the past is any indication, the entries I want a discussion on won't cause it.