Here I am, almost a complete day away from when I was acting all goofy and stuff. Had to face reality once more. The day seemed like it was going to be good. Me and Alex *friend* were supposed to hang out today. First, I found out that he stayed up to 8AM, despite the fact I had explicity told him that I'd call him at 10 to make sure we could hang out and to confirm plans. Anyways, I found that out at noon, 2 hours after my first calls to him. I then tell him I"m going to take a shower and if he could ask his dad if he could give him a ride and told him to get dressed. I call 45 minutes later to find out he fell back asleep. At that point, I'm kinda ticked. Not just because he fell asleep, but I also got into a big ol' fight with Michelle in the shower. So then, he says he had someone on the other line. IT is his "best" friend from San Diego. He is here in the area and called him saying he messed up and his parents are mad and crap. He also says that he can't say what is up over the phone. So i tell him to just hang out with him and find out. He does. In the meanwhile, me and Michelle make up and are ready to do a whole lot of nothing now.

What really ticks me off is that since Friday, I had tried to get him to hang out but he hasn't been able to for one reason or another. He had me calling him a bunch of times without him picking up or returning my calls. If I wasn't trying to get him to be my roomate, I'd explode on him. I mean come on, he went to sleep very late 2 of the times and the other time was because his dad said no at the last moment. I understand the dad saying no that one time, but the other two times, that is ridiculous.

It's a silly problem that I probaly shouldn't be stressing on but i have all kinds of crap I'm dealing with. Not worse of the worse, there is ALWAYS someone in a worse sitation. Just things have been volatile around here. Me and Michelle have been on the verge of breaking up latly. My mom wants me to find my own place, and if not, she is going to just take off one day. College starts Tuesday, with classes I worry about. I can't get no decent scholorship because I'm .008 off a 3.0 My so-called friends only talk to me when I call them, and only brag or stress off thier problems to me, but are not interested in listening to me. I'm especially attuned to that cause of psychology, but it's only obvious. SOme stuff doesn't merit uh huhs, yeahs, and oks. That'd be ok if they would return ANYTHING.

Anyways, I'm not sure why i'm griping here. Ideally, I should be praying to God or doing an activity that helps me escape the stress. The thing is, right now, that is a nice idea as opposed to the way my life is. I sometimes try, but it's like, it doesn't really help. Praying feels like I"m talking to myself and video games *my escape* alienates me from Michelle and causes more fights. The only good news is that even though I didn't qualify for disability, I can qualify for temporary medical coverage IF I don't make over $600 a month. How the heck am I suppose to survive with that much? SInce I had to wait 6 months to see if I qualifyed for disability, I have a big ol' gap in my work history. What do I say, "Hey, I was trying to get coverage for a brain tumor" Yeah, like they want someone who has medical problems. You know what's funny, I could've scammed the system. I know how to qualify with mental problems. Thing is, I don't want to jeoperdize my career. I like psychology. I like helping people. I like the finacial and emotional payoff. If I were to get disability for a mental disorder, I couldn't be a psychologist. It's a risk I'm willing to take, even if I die, cause I want to do what I love and get decent money. Living poor the rest of my life would make me wanna kill myself.

Ok, too much bickering, AGAIN. It's like I can't escape these negative thoughts. I been trying not to do too much bikering and be positive. To see the bright side and realize life is a gift. I have to drill it in my head that nothing will break me. I think I"m afraid to fully commit to that because I like my sensitivity. I HATE cold people. Without emotions, I'm like a robot. A sometimes illogical robot, but a robot nonetheless. That is all for now. I'll be around.