Can i just Say OMGOSH! OMGOSH! OMGOSH! Had the longest chat with ray. *best friend* as some would know him as. Finally. I've went behind all the superficialness. WIsh the chat wasn't so long that only wordpad would fit it. *notepad won't* I will put some "hightlights" if you will. All i can say is that he is deep though hidden. Ok, here's how it started to get deep.
taz_want_food: I don't get full nights rest
Ray: you can perform - but you're yawning
Ray: you got energy - but you're yawning
taz_want_food: me, energy
Ray: you can think straight - but you're yawning!
taz_want_food: Hello, i'm not taz
taz_want_food: I'm tino
Ray: oh - forgot
Ray: I am ALWAYS yawning
Ray: even right now
taz_want_food: do you get full nights sleeep?"
taz_want_food: atleat 8 hours?
Ray: nope
Ray: nope
taz_want_food: why not?
taz_want_food: just waking up?
Ray: I don't know
Ray: I go to bed late
Ray: for no reason at all
Ray: I don't know why
taz_want_food: Wake early?
Ray: I punish myself
Ray: I don't want to, but I do
taz_want_food: maybe your sub consicence is thinkin
Ray: last night I went to bed at 2
Ray: woke up at 6:51 this morning
taz_want_food: Is my usual time i sleep
taz_want_food: *2*
taz_want_food: I wake usaully at 9
Ray: that's cool
taz_want_food: nah, more lik 8
taz_want_food: is ok
Ray: that's still cool
Ray: I'm trippin
taz_want_food: though doesn't mean I don't wake up
taz_want_food: in mid night
taz_want_food: think i will get some strong sleeping pills
Ray: what's 'mid night' to you?
Ray: if you go to bed at 2?
taz_want_food: 5 in the morn
taz_want_food: or something like that
Ray: oh
Ray: wow
Ray: maybe you need some NyQuil
taz_want_food: prob
Ray: well my body's always telling me to sleep
Ray: but for some reason, I stay up
taz_want_food: hmmmmmmm
Ray: I don't even have a motive - I just stay up!!! I don't get myself sometimes.......
Ray: I'm self-destructing myself
taz_want_food: I know that feeling]
Ray: really?
taz_want_food: yeah
Ray: I thought I was the only one
taz_want_food: but I know why I stay up
taz_want_food: well i guess i better not hold you on
Ray: ???
taz_want_food: you want to know why, is that why the ???
Ray: yeah
taz_want_food: well ray, I put up with alot of crap daily, have tumor, sucking at school
Ray: so you're depressed..............
Ray: hey me too sometimes
taz_want_food: I'm ok though
Ray: no - a lot of the time
Ray: I'm depressed a lot of the time
taz_want_food: sucks don't it
So it starts. We go on about how we could have many better decisons and how parents don't understand. Then more interesting stuff.
taz_want_food: You ever realize when known each other for years
taz_want_food: yet
taz_want_food: never turned to each other
Ray: that COULD work.........
taz_want_food: i've learned more about you
taz_want_food: today
Ray: 4 real!!!!!! lol
taz_want_food: then i have in past 11 or so years
Ray: did you ever think that I would be this way?
taz_want_food: I had feeling, but never knew how to talk to you about it
Ray: oh
taz_want_food: I think you knew about me
taz_want_food: though
taz_want_food: I don't disguise as well
Ray: I am at times
Ray: I did - but I thought you would be uncomfortable talking about it
taz_want_food: maybe one day i'll let ya read this book i'm workin on
taz_want_food: maybe in past yes
Ray: you're writing a book?
taz_want_food: tumor changed me
taz_want_food: uh huh
taz_want_food: my own pet project
Ray: oh
taz_want_food: is very unorganized still
Ray: that's cool
taz_want_food: but on computer
taz_want_food: online actually
Ray: oh
Ray: I'd never write a book
Ray: I don't want anyone knowing about me
taz_want_food: I dind't think i would either
Ray: they'd have too much power over me
taz_want_food: till after tumor, thought
Ray: they could break me so quickly
taz_want_food: yeah
taz_want_food: I know what you mean
taz_want_food: I guess i want to finally see what happens when real me is revealed though, plus I could die
taz_want_food: why not show self now
Ray: have nothing to lose
taz_want_food: i've been weighing consequences for months
taz_want_food: still scared
taz_want_food: mostly done
taz_want_food: 381 pages
taz_want_food: LOL
Ray: knowledge is power - whoever knows about you has power over you
Ray: the wrong person steps up - and overpowers you
Ray: scary
taz_want_food: I guess i don't care anymore
taz_want_food: Its like, have power over me then
taz_want_food: still, don't know what someone would think of my thoughts
taz_want_food: you would be first to see
Ray: I don't think I want to see
Ray: I don't think I would want to fully understand you
taz_want_food: prob not
Ray: my perception of you would change
taz_want_food: i know
Ray: maybe better - maybe worse
Ray: not sure
taz_want_food: prob why were not as close
taz_want_food: cause
taz_want_food: we always try to maintain image
Ray: well sort of
Ray: yeah we do
Ray: I like being mysterious
taz_want_food: I know i do
taz_want_food: well, then you wonder why no one is close
taz_want_food: is what I wondered
Ray: no one can figure out how I think but I can figure out how they think and I can tell them why they think that way
Ray: how can someone get close to you if they can't figure you out?
Ray: I don't want to give up being mysterious
Ray: complex
Ray: on another level
taz_want_food: but why leave yourself myseterious
taz_want_food: no benefit
taz_want_food: then something happens
Ray: this level is admired, but lonesome
Ray: yeah you're right
Hmm, was interesting reply to wanting to see my "book" *this diary* Wasn't gonna show him, not today, but had thought, now no. NOw even more stuff. yet scary next part.
Ray: I think I could cope easy with anyone's death
Ray: I'm not close to anyone
Ray: NO ONE
Ray: at all
Ray: I'm all by myself emotionally in this world - and I don't want anyone near
taz_want_food: you don't trust anyone
Ray: that's how I approach life
taz_want_food: I think i don't
Ray: no one
What can I say, read.
taz_want_food: from my perspective, is worth it to be hurt if you can be loved as well
taz_want_food: I know, sounds cliche
taz_want_food: But I'm serious
Ray: I don't want to be loved, either
taz_want_food: I think you think you know feeling, but is totally different
taz_want_food: you can't understand it from tv or what others say
Ray: I do have high standards..........
taz_want_food: you have to experience it
taz_want_food: Only recently have i experienced this
Ray: I know that if I was loved - I have high standards on how I would want to be treated and I don't think there's anybody who understands how to meet those high standards because no one understands me - I'm mysterious! does that make sense?
taz_want_food: Very much so
Ray: forget love - I don't TRUST ppl
Ray: how could I get to the love part w/out trust?
taz_want_food: that is so true
Ray: I don't want to entrust anyone with any part of my heart because they don't understand me
Ray: if they understood me, they wouldn't see me as mysterious
taz_want_food: maybe if they did, maybe they could find ways to met your standards
Ray: I'm afraid of that
Ray: I don't like taking big leaps
Ray: that's a huge emotional transition
taz_want_food: yeah
Ray: I don't feel ready to take that transition
Ray: plus the signs of the times........
taz_want_food: but now is time to take it on, college is best place
Ray: maybe so
taz_want_food: ahh forget that for once
Ray: God said that in the end time men's hearts would wax cold
Ray: and ppl would turn against each other
taz_want_food: sad
Ray: so even if I did make the transition I would only experience it for a short time until they turn against me or I against them
Ray: I don't see benefit there either
Ray: see where I'm stuck?
taz_want_food: atlest for short time you were happy
taz_want_food: as to now
Ray: too short
taz_want_food: you better off then?
Ray: yeah I guess
Ray: I don't know
Ray: Maybe I'm better off - maybe I'm not
Ray: never know unless I try
Ray: but this way seems safest
Ray: SAFETY is what I value most
Ray: I don't want anyone to jeopardize my INTERNAL safety
Ray: external - fine
Ray: internal - I could have a mental breakdown
taz_want_food: but what if they make you better?
taz_want_food: maybe its worth it
taz_want_food: cause w/o no one
taz_want_food: you think you will handle to 80
Ray: no
Ray: but I think I would handle til I'm ready
Ray: I don't feel ready right now
NOw on to trusting
Ray: I've always trusted you
Ray: Other ppl trust me
taz_want_food: thank you
taz_want_food: I trust you alot, jsut i didn't know how to work to conversation
Ray: oh ok
taz_want_food: I've tried
Ray: so you really desire to put your trust in someone?
taz_want_food: yes i do
Ray: I don't have the desire...........
taz_want_food: but then you got to rational out why not having desire is good
taz_want_food: when you really weigh it
taz_want_food: is better to have desire
taz_want_food: so find it
taz_want_food: make it
Ray: In my mind, I screw myself over:
Ray: anyone I trust will be constantly tested because I will have problem after problem to trust them with
Ray: and if they trust me then I'll deal with their problems too
Ray: and they have lots
Ray: so do I
Ray: but we never reach an end point
taz_want_food: but the sharing makes it easier
taz_want_food: oh, but see
taz_want_food: that is why ppl stay in relationships
taz_want_food: its easier to share
Ray: yeah - sometimes
taz_want_food: you'd think it'd be twice as hard
Ray: but sometimes you just gotta do things alone
taz_want_food: Few things are better alone
taz_want_food: I may see something from diff perspective
taz_want_food: you may see something of mines from diff perspective
taz_want_food: I use to think i had all perspecetives
taz_want_food: but now i'm realizing i don't
taz_want_food: is impossible
taz_want_food: and to think you do, your lying to self
Ray: yeah
taz_want_food: just think about just this conv.
taz_want_food: i've given you diff persective
Ray: what about it?
taz_want_food: on problem
Ray: on what?
taz_want_food: on trusting
Ray: no
Ray: I still have the same perspective
taz_want_food: but now you got some of mines
taz_want_food: as well
Ray: I've had this conversation in my head
taz_want_food: but not exactly same
Ray: you use different words but the gist of it is the same argument
About safeguards
Ray: do you trust what I'm typing, even though you know how elaborate I have safeguarded myself internally?
Ray: that's the question
taz_want_food: Well, you sound pretty blunt
taz_want_food: though you haven't said much
taz_want_food: as to reasons
taz_want_food: Well yeah
taz_want_food: and now
taz_want_food: *no
taz_want_food: don't know how to explain
taz_want_food: I feel there may be more but maybe you haven't said
Ray: I've probably confused you
taz_want_food: no
taz_want_food: you haven't for example
taz_want_food: justified the hurt
taz_want_food: where it came from
taz_want_food: while i trust all that you said, i believe there may be more
taz_want_food: and for that, you are safeguarding
taz_want_food: but then again,
Ray: maybe
Ray: I don't know
taz_want_food: you have let down guard alot
Ray: not really
taz_want_food: you've let me inot some of your thinking
taz_want_food: even if i haven't analyzed it good
taz_want_food: you still have
Ray: my guard has always been at this level with you
You still here, wow. Looks like headway, but...
Ray: hey logically I now see how trust is the best way to go
taz_want_food: :)
Ray: EVERY time
Ray: and its because of trust
Ray: ppl who are like me
Ray: I'd just struggle myself off to death
Ray: or look like a hero when I find a way out myself
Ray: but how many times can I do it myself?
taz_want_food: who would know that you were a hero?
taz_want_food: who would even care
taz_want_food: yeah, *agreeing with ya*
Ray: even if I'm the only one that sees it
Ray: but I still like the 'hero' image
taz_want_food: But is it worth it all
taz_want_food: that's the thing
Ray: I don't know
Ray: maybe to me - it is
taz_want_food: I don't see how you can enjoy it
taz_want_food: i mean at moment you overcome
taz_want_food: and day after
taz_want_food: its like, YEAH
taz_want_food: But after
taz_want_food: its like, life goes on
taz_want_food: your you
Ray: I don't want to explain that......
taz_want_food: agree or disagree
Ray: sort of
Ray: but not totally
Ray: need analysis/data/?
taz_want_food: its ok
taz_want_food: you don't have to
Ray: so you understand?
taz_want_food: yeah
Ray: no you don't - I'm withholding info.
Ray: I already know I am
taz_want_food: wow, your good at hiding stuff
Ray: you wouldn't have known unless I told you
taz_want_food: true
Ray: Tino - I have no father, my mom is on a different page than me (she doesn't want to hear it because she can't identify with me nor has the patience), I don't know ANY of my family personally, I have 3 half brothers, only one I've talked to and he's 6 (I think)........
taz_want_food: oh ray.........((((((((((())))))))))))
taz_want_food: All i can say is you don't have to continue to have no one
Ray: I can't fathom any other way
Ray: I wouldn't have it any other way
Ray: my theory of my life gets deeper
Ray: wayyyyy deeper than you know
taz_want_food: same here
Ray: I see life like this:
taz_want_food: how you think i write 381 pages
Ray: lol
taz_want_food: go on
Ray: given certain talents
Ray: given certain restrictions
Ray: and concerning me - I have no emotional attachment to anyone
Ray: in addition, I have raw brain power, unaffected by emotions or biases or stereotypes
Ray: because I've been around a lot of diff. ppl in my life
Ray: so with all of these experiences, how can I best live my life?
Ray: and truly be happy?
Ray: the answer is - I can't
Ray: because I have a morality side to me
Ray: I was given this Seventh-Day Adventist knowledge
Ray: so my heart goes out to those who need it
taz_want_food: ahh, forced to face emotions
Ray: but I don't want to share my heart with them
Ray: that's a sign of weakness
Ray: but since the world is all messed up
Ray: and I feel like as long as I learn......
Ray: with this raw brain power I can help ANYONE I put my mind to
Ray: that's what I want to do
taz_want_food: but will they let you
Ray: help everyone as much as possible
Ray: but never get deep with them
Ray: understand how to make their surface happy
taz_want_food: thing is, you have to be deep for them to give that trust
Ray: not always
taz_want_food: but you never get happy
taz_want_food: what about you
Ray: in this world the hearts of other men they have put their trust in have failed them
taz_want_food: you see how they feel after they are "solved"
Ray: so I want to make up the difference
taz_want_food: thye feel great
Ray: and if I look for my own happiness I feel selfish
Ray: because there's always going to be someone who needs help
Ray: so I want to help them out too
taz_want_food: But at same time you need help too
Ray: not really
taz_want_food: so why not eat cake
taz_want_food: have it
Ray: I take comfort in making ppl happy
Ray: I don't have to get deep for happiness
taz_want_food: why you think they;'re happy
taz_want_food: They were able to trust you
taz_want_food: it feels WONDERFULL
taz_want_food: like stack of bricks
taz_want_food: lifted
Ray: yeah? so?
we chat about me and stuff. More stuff, will never be finished. HAHA Actually asked him.....
count2_ten (03:23:55 AM): I don't think I can go to bed
count2_ten (03:23:59 AM): but I have to
count2_ten (03:24:11 AM): wait - no I don't - I'm skipping school tomorrow
taz_want_food (03:24:27 AM): No, come to bible study and group
taz_want_food (03:24:36 AM):
taz_want_food (03:24:39 AM): you just knew i would
count2_ten (03:24:59 AM): I'll pass
taz_want_food (03:25:06 AM): give me reason
taz_want_food (03:25:10 AM): how will it be better
taz_want_food (03:25:12 AM): passing
count2_ten (03:25:57 AM): I hate taking the bus - and in this weather? I might as well go to class!
count2_ten (03:26:04 AM): I want sleep tomorrow
taz_want_food (03:26:10 AM): just hang out, forget sleep
count2_ten (03:26:10 AM): that's my plan
taz_want_food (03:26:12 AM): boring
taz_want_food (03:26:18 AM): Weather will be ok
count2_ten (03:26:18 AM): no - sleep is good!
taz_want_food (03:26:21 AM): will be worth it
taz_want_food (03:26:34 AM): we can go out and eat
count2_ten (03:26:38 AM): I know what you're saying is true, but I don't want to go
count2_ten (03:26:43 AM): I'll pass this time
count2_ten (03:26:47 AM): THIS time
taz_want_food (03:26:49 AM): you pass everytime
taz_want_food (03:26:59 AM): you will rational it out everytime
taz_want_food (03:27:02 AM): well i'm tired
taz_want_food (03:27:05 AM): Oh, got to study
taz_want_food (03:27:12 AM): Just NM
count2_ten (03:27:38 AM): nah - I'll meet your pplz - just not tomorrow
count2_ten (03:27:48 AM): don't worry - it will happen
taz_want_food (03:27:59 AM): its ok, don't feel obligated to me
taz_want_food (03:28:06 AM): is your lose
count2_ten (03:28:16 AM): well you're the one who just tried to persuade me
taz_want_food (03:28:31 AM): well yeah, cause will benefit you
taz_want_food (03:28:49 AM): your in college, lil sleep is tight
count2_ten (03:29:01 AM): no I need a lot
count2_ten (03:29:09 AM): I can't function like this
count2_ten (03:29:14 AM): I don't drink coffee
taz_want_food (03:29:19 AM): 6 hours of sleep would be plenty
count2_ten (03:29:19 AM): don't take pills
count2_ten (03:29:22 AM): I need sleep
taz_want_food (03:29:26 AM): Ok go
taz_want_food (03:29:30 AM): g'night ray
count2_ten (03:29:38 AM): later
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