Sometimes I think I'm not honest with myself or my diary. I am worried and depressed as hell yet try to maintain that I'm ok. I think that I don't want to deal with all the crap that comes with being honest to yourself. I hate the way my family don't really give a shit about what is going on with me. Like I told Rabbit Goddess, I think my mom is more concerned with getting couchs than my tumor. The only one in my entire *real* life that gives a shit is michelle. Despite all her annoyances, she tries her damnest for me. I wish there was more because I feel like if she died, I'd die. The rest of the people in my life don't care. Maybe because I'm not that funny. Maybe because they don't know how to respond to me. Maybe because I don't care for them enough. My online friends aren't online enough. I'm lucky to see a comment from some of them. It really sucks that even that is more care I get than from people who see me and throughly know my situation. So then there is God.

Did he give me this to teach me some lesson I couldn't have learned elsewhere? Or is it the "devil" who did this? Is it the "sin" of man? Is this just my molecues rebelling against the body in which it contains. Am I just somehow cursed by odds. What is the likelihood I get a disease that strikes 1 in 10,000? Not just once now but twice. I could say why do bad things happen to good people but that would be a lie. What in the universe do I do that is good? Am I rebelieving in God because I'm scared of death* That would be quite pathetic. *common tho*

I hate almost everything that is going on in my life. I majoring in Psychology, yet can't figure out how to make friends! I got a girl that I love at one moment, hate at another, then love again at yet another. The most intimate I ever get is at a GOD-damned computer screen. Am I that bad that I can't speak up to people? Speaking of people, I lost all faith in humanity. Honestly, you all suck, even me. We always have these prerequistes in order to do anything good. Even the docs that will probaly save my life suck, they're only doing it for the money. As undergrads, that's all they think about. Yeah, right now I'm mad and may regret ever posting this, but so what. What you gonna do? Why do I care what you think. Isn't like your that important to me. Am I really that important to you? Don't lie. You may have a sense of care, but if I was your family, would you be doing more? Yeah, I don't have the similar DNA to you but damnit, is it that important? Still, I'm the same way. Oh woe is mankind.

If there is heaven, I don't know how we'll be happy there. Maybe because God would be directly watching you and therefore are afraid to do evil. I mean, will we still act differently to those that share our DNA than those who don't? Besides, chimps share 98% DNA with us. IS 2% that significant? Anyways, I'm done for now