I am currently enrolled in Social Ethics, Organizational psychology and an Urban Education class. The social ethics class is your typical class about race relations and how misinformed America is. The organizational psychology class seems to be the boringest of the three; its about the structure and politics of the work place. An interesting sounding concept that the professor makes sound too, "structual". That class is followed by the most interesting class, Urban education. Its a teacher education class that talks about the difficulties of fixing education in the urban setting. It's a VERY small class. 10 people maybe. Though the great thing is that is set up more like a group discussion. Its funny though, as I seem to know the most about the problems of "urban" education. I think I was the only one in there raised by the crappy system. I think I can do well in the class. Though its a "writing intensive" course; which means that there will be a minimum of 6,000 words in essays. Not that the amount is much to me anymore, but I prefer just talking.

In life, its been a mixed bag. Me and Michelle had a bit of a rough patch. It was actually an ugly scene. *I really want to hesitate in writing it but I like to think that I shouldn't have to hide anything from my diary* Anyways, the day started out great. We were at Sac State and things seemed smoothed. That is until I wanted to use the laptop that Michelle was using online. She said, "no, you take over the computer". Ok, she was right there, I do tend to do that when I get on the computer. Its one of those things that I'm used to being incharge of the computer. Especially because she was having issues with the computer.

So then, she said, "Turn off the laptop, I'm going to the bathroom and we're out of here" I turned it off. I then remarked, "Wait a second, are you going to be long"? NO she says. And 99 times out of a 100, she takes half an hour. So I fire up the laptop. She gets out 10 minutes later. I see her coming and turn off the laptop. She says, "Why did you turn it off, I wanted to go on it?!" I then turn it on. She says, "Why are you turning on and off my laptop". I say, "MY LAPTOP?" "Don't you mean ours" Being that we live together and share everything as equals, including the desktop. She says, "Yeah, MY laptop" I say, "OUR LAPTOP" She says," My dad got it for ME" Squiting my eyes I say, "We share everything, its ours. I could use it whenever I want. I'm going to use it at home later then" She says, "Why do you need to use it at home, we got a desktop and I don't want to wear it out" I say, "Because I always wanted to watch TV and be able to surf the net during commercials is why" She says, "Well I'm going to be studying today". I say, "Then tomorrow I will use it" She says, "I will be using it everyday to study"

At that point, I feel that she is saying this just so I can't use it. I say, "Whatever" and get up and inadvertently touch a small portion of it. Seriously inadvertently. She says, "Don't hit MY laptop" I say, "I didn't hit it" She says, "YES you did" I say, "Well if I did, then it was an accident and its ok alright" She says, "No its not, I think its a scratch" We look. There is no scratch. She still accuses me of hitting it. So then I do start to push on it and say, "Now you can accuse me" So after that little scuffle, she packs the backpack and I carry it. *which is typical for me to carry her backpack, books, or whatever* She continues as we walk, "WHY'd you HIT my laptop. Your no better than your brother." On and on she goes. I say, "LEAVE ME ALONE RIGHT NOW, I Don't WANT TO HEAR YOU" She continues, "You have NO right to Hit my Laptop" I say, "LEAVE ME ALONE OR I WILL THROW THE LAPTOP" She says, "You know what, YOUR JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER THAT ABUSED YOU"

I think you know what happened next. I threw the backpack on the ground and walked away. She calls me frantically a few minutes later, "You broke it" I go to where she is. She is there and its not broken broken but the pen doesn't work on the screen. Later, we find a bent part of the battery. We have long arguments. She says that I shouldn't have done that and I agree but explain to her how it happened and why. So now we're sorta stuck with the laptop. Still otherwise functional minus the pen capability. *the screen looks fine too* So we dunno what to do about that now....

So yeah, that was ugly. That happened on the 3rd I think. Things are a lil bit better. I think the underlying problem that I had was that somehow I thought me and her were one in the same. I thought that when I got something it was also hers and that when she got something, it was also mines. Its a personal myth that I somehow didn't think I had. I thought I got rid of those personal myths. While those things sound good in movies, the practicallity of it in everyday life can lead to problems when the other doesn't view it that way.

Since telling Michelle about that understanding, she tried to tell me that its ok to think like that. *that's how she got me to do a good portion of "help" on her papers and maybe is afraid that me thinking otherwise is a long term problem for her* Because she knows its not just school work that I help her with that are mostly her responsiblities. I thought I had things all figured out. Well, no one can have it ALL figured out, but you know what I mean I think. In the back of my mind I think, "if we were married, would she still have said it was 'my laptop'". I also think about a saying christians like to say to me about thier marriage and my relationship; "When you build your relationship on the Rock of Jesus Christ, it is much better than building it on sand" Something like that. It always happens when I tell them I live with Michelle but I'm not married.

Why aren't I married? Finacial aid things. Plus, I want a nice marriage, not something at city hall. They always have beautiful weedings and extravegent honeymoons. I can't do that. I don't have no parents that will pay for it. I don't make a crap load of money. I only been out of my state maybe 3 times. All of which were trips to Reno to see my lil bro's dad. So yeah... that's why.

Anyways, its almost Friday. That's nice. Dunno what I'm going to do then. One thing for sure is not see my lil brother. His dad took him into custody yesterday. He called me today. Not to tell me this, but to help him find a circuit city in Reno. Of which, I was a lil hurt but helped him and tried to advise him on what computer to get and the little accessories you don't think about that you need. *like a mouse pad or speakers* He seemed happy. He is the one that initiated going there. He wanted to get to know his father better. Plus, the allure of getting all the things he wants. *my lil sister is the favorite to my mom and gets significantly more things than me and Alex* So I don't blame him. Plus, he needed a father figure. SOmething I was once to him but couldn't keep it up with school, work and a relationsihp. He'll be happier there. He'll have oppurtunities that I never had as a child, like going on vacation or joining a little league football team. So I told him to take advantage of this and get out in the world and the outdoors.

Its really late and I should really be asleep. Just felt like talking. No one is awake so you guys will do. I have been sorta ignoring you guys.... And in a weird way, its like ignoring myself because I think more about my life and stuff. Plus, I try not to be too emotionally attached and stuff because I know I'm vulnurable to that sorta thing. I start to need comments and hits and expect all this crap. So yeah...............

So there you have it. If you could see me right now, you'd see that I was just crying. Ack, stupid emotions. They are so pesky. They don't allow you to think straight. The high is nice. Even the sadness sometimes feels good. Sometimes I think that we just NEED to feel. Sometimes we induce this by songs or by calling someone or just writing an entry. Anyways, I see the analyzer come out in me now. Stop. Stop it. Blah. Ok, I stopped the analyzer for now. I promised him I'll release 'em when I get to class tomorrow. That's all for now