A couple of Saturdays ago, me and Michelle went to take the UC Davis upper division writing proficency exam. It is a required writing test that you must pass in order to graduate. Well, we finally got the results this Tuesday and found that neither one of us passed. This was especially surprising for me as I am fairly good at writing papers and had passed the Sac. State test. They don't honor thier test (@ UCD). So, Michelle will not graduate, even though she has met the other requirements. While that in itself is annoying, the harder reality is that it will be harder to get a job with health benefits.

Plan C involves her looking to take the English class that can take the place of the test. I will not be taking it as I hope to transfer an upper division writing class I took at Sac State over. Still, we don't even know if they will be offering the class this summer. If she were to finish, she still probaly wouldn't have a job by August 31st, the date the benefits go dry. I don't know what we will do with my need for pills and Jr's need for vaccinations and checkups. Michelle is probaly in the least need, but she is on zoloft right now (an anti-depressant) so that will also be iffy. It is next to impossible to pick up the current health care plan as the school district pays $1400 a month for our coverage.

The only other alternative is Medi-cal. That is the low income insurance. On paper, sounds like a great plan. You get coverage and don't pay. Cool right? Again, as I detailed in previous entries, you don't want to go through them. Last time I did, I never ended up getting my pills or seeing a doctor. I did get an MRI and blood test, but NEVER got the results! I don't think outsiders to the system realize that when you make an appoitment with it, you will not be seen at the time of the appoitment, ever. Instead, you better sign in within 15 minutes so that you could be seen in literally, 3-4 hours. Even then, that is just to get to the nurse. If the doctor is too busy, you get put back into the waiting room. Even with the hassle, Medical may not last long for us as they want you to work or go to training 35 hours a week. Though that may sound resonable, the training isn't about skills, rather its about watching videos. The employers that do come in are from large warehouses that look for you to quickly sort etc for minimum wage and no benefits. So yea...I don't see ourselves wasting that much time on going there to apply for positions that would do us no good. Instead, we're gonna look on our own to hopefully get another position like the one Michelle had, with benefits.

Getting back to what I was saying earlier, Michelle is on Zoloft. She is supposed to see the psych today but is too tired to go out there. She has always been a bit down but the hormonal drop after giving birth has been rough on her. (and me) Sometimes I'm tempted to take one, but I know my depression is more reactive and environmental. (is that redundant?) I know that if better relationships and I had more money and stuff I'd be happy.

Oh yea, Michelle had to go to the hospital for an allergic reaction to some large yellow grapefruit. She broke out in hives and said she felt her throat closing. Luckily, Ray was available to give us a ride and even stayed for 4 hours as she was treated and given some pills. We treated him out to some Taco Bell. *not much open at 11:30PM* I was glad he got a lot of stuff, as we didn't really have money to give him. (used credit card) He also inquired into our plan. Not sure really. Plan C is about seeing what will happen. Apply for jobs, and seeing who will call. Thank goodness for our ability to save money, otherwise again, we'd but fucked. Obviously, can't live off that saving for long, but hey, I'm just so glad I got even that. God knows that when you need something, you gotta do it yourself or call Ray. *heheh* Lord knows I've bothered the kid enough. He is awesome though. He is the living embodiment of someone practicing thier christianity to me. I've yet to see someone match him on that. I mean, he even goes on Saturdays to pack food and distrbute it to the homeless. It's like I tell him, "You're either completely delusional or really on to something".

Personally, I think its delusional, but you know what, he seems to be happy in that delusion. Its actions like that that make you want to be that kind of delusional. I'd like to think I'm doing God's work or whatever. I mean, hey, to him, it seems totally real. Sometimes I think I should let myself live that way, even if the way leads to an empty cliff. I mean, if Ray dies tomorrow and there is nothing, he'll never know. So his whole reality composed of this belief and thus was real to him. If truth is in the eye of the beholder, then his truth is better than mines as it serves him better. (integrity wise and all) Though if I ever go back to being a christian, I'm gonna try to avoid all those half-assed christians. They will just bring you down. I mean, we all end up modeling those who are around us. So its either them or some really hedonistic group where we all go out, have some wild sex and endulge all of our senses. I do believe in that hot or cold concept in the bible. You know, "it is better to be hot or cold (for the lord) than lukewarm." Something like that. If I'm going to hell, might as well deserve it, huh? Or, conversely, if I'm going to heaven, I should act as such.

This middle road is so blah. I think that is what is wrong with so many people. Just read thier blogs or talk to them. They lament about thier lives being SO boring yet lack the fortitude to do something wild. Go out, do something really really bad or something really really good. Atleast they will build on who you are. Indulge or restrict yourself, live extreme. This odd secularism that people follow leads to people not doing what they really wanted to or doing that they should've. Then, when they're old, they got to go to a shrink (this is where I would come in) and feel inadequate about thier lives because thier played it safe in terms of being risky and being "too religious". Ofcourse, I'd have to delude them and tell them something like, "well, you got the best of both worlds and its never too late to do certain things" Gawd, people so need to be reassured of thier actions all the time..... Though if there is no God, the Truth is that nothing is really good or bad, simply actions that occur, like the movement of molecues. If there is God, then he wants you to love. That's it. Everything else is just cultural dogma. All you have to do when making any decision is say, "Is this helping perpetuate love or hate".

So yea, I never answer my own question being good or evil. I'd say those boxes can't contain the wholeness of my being. I am both and neither. My whole belief system is one large contradiction. I could take both sides. Picking a side is likely another delusion, but hey, life's funner that way. That's all for now. ~END~