Guess who hasn't got thier period again. NO! I don't get periods. :P But Michelle is suppose to and didn't get her lovely monthly reminder that she is female. Not only that, but I had a few dreams that she was pregnant and her belly looks bigger. Plus, she says that she "feels pregnant". Hopefully we're just paranoid like last time and it just comes late. Then I could breath again.

Like I've stated before and is implied last entry, I can't afford any extra burdons. I'd love a baby and all that, but finacially it simply isn't an option. Even if we wanted welfare and forced on it, that system has been gutted and you only can be on for like 5 years max. Plus, that isn't where we see our life. Ofcourse, there is what I come to think of as the "nuclear option" in our life. Its that nasty a word. You know......abortion. Again, it'd ultimately would be her decision as to what to do with a would be kid. I support any decision that she would make. Now I've heard people talk so greatly about the other a word, adoption. Give it up. People out there want babies badly and thus it'd be a good thing and it wouldn't eat at my conscious. Though if carried to term, chances are that we couldn't. We discussed that and what would likely happen is that we'd keep it and be screwed out of a decent lifestyle. Selfish? Maybe. But I don't want my kid going to sorry ass poor schools and having to live poor. I did that and its not as ok as the text would seem. It's easy when its not your life. I could end up living paycheck to paycheck for the essentials and never meet any potential. Especially Michelle. She has a very strong chance of actually getting accepted to UCLA.

If only Gates smiled apon us and said hey, I'll give you 100,000 to help raise your family. Oh thank you Mr. Gates, I'd say, and having a baby wouldn't be a problem. I'm sure someone out there would say, "yeah, but you should've thought about that before sticking your thing in her" While that holds some water, does that mean we should be punished just about the rest of our life? Should me and Michelle be miserable because we messed up? When I can't afford a crib for the baby, is that concerned netizen gonna send me one? Like my sister likes to say, "Jah right". Ofcourse, if this is a false alarm, more precautions will be taken but if this is it, then who knows.

The only thing that really holds anything back really is that maybe Michelle and I would have to pay for it in the "afterlife". I'm sure God don't like that. And just in case I'm not sure, I know Jose would tell me that he doesn't and that in fact I would burn in hell. God forgives but you know..........don't push it. Seems to be the message I seem to get. I dunno........its an issue I don't like thinking about because its a lose-lose situation.

Obviously, I don't like the idea of abortion at all, but what about happiness? What about some damn stability in our life. Plus, supporting a baby really would dry us out. We have no backup. My mom, she owes me money. *read previous entry* Friends..........online friends mainly. Michelle doesn't have any besides her deadbeat friend Kelly. So no, a baby shower wouldn't begin to pay for anything. Plus, do I want my child to repeat the circle of poverty. Poor people generally stay poor. Ideally, anyone can make it in America and there are some that have. But statistically, that's not what normally happens. I mean, if this really is it, I want any kid of mines to have all the oppurtunities to succeed. And unfortuanately, money does buy oppurtunities. It buys happiness to a point too. Ideally, it wouldn't, but lets not lie now, would you rather have you child ride the public transit bus or give them a ride in your car? Family vacations or not? Nice neighborhood or neighborhood where people literally pick on you for no reason what so ever.

*Sigh* I hope tomorrow that I'm writing an entry about worrying too much and that I never really have to choose. I mean, shit, Me and Michelle don't even get along alot of the time. We all know how a place where arguing parents makes your child worse. If you know me, you probaly know that I could never just leave her the child. So that's not an option. So yeah............. Other than that, it was a nice day. Me and Michelle drink a lot of green tea now. I did excellent on this school district test thingy. Ate out today and it was relatively smooth today. Tomorrow I tutor and then will probaly do something. I guess you'll know tomorrow. That is, if I live till tomorrow. Can't assume I'll be here tomorrow. People die everyday. Ack, that is too morbid. Just, hopefully I'll be back. If no entry in like a month, then worry. 4 and a half years here on DD and never missed a full month.