Why am I even on now? Good question. Bordem I guess. I miss the comments I'd get. I like to get an outsider perspective. I think it makes me a more well rounded person. Though I'm starting to think that what I write may come back to haunt me as I try to live a more professional life. I mean, soon I'll be interviewing for counseling positions and other stuff where they may want a more through investigation, including looking me up online. I wouldn't want them to see me like this. I especially wouldn't want them to see my chat logs or any private comments. Though those are supposed to be more private. In fact, I wouldn't want you to see my chat logs. *nervous laugh* I have said and engaged in things that I am not quite proud of, yet, I can't really seem to stop. At the end, I think the crazyness of the past, my biological makeup and current lack of *moral* foundation has resulted in a person who is sharp contrast with who I've been trying to be. The only two postives are my school work and Michelle. Again, I think it all comes down to the GOD question. Is He there? Are we supposed to live certain way? I'd like those to be yes, but I have infact come to the conclusion that the answer to those are no.
It is hard for me to disentangle what exactly led to my disenfranchisement with the GOD concept. Is it college? Cognitive development? Bitterness at the percieved outsiderness *for lack of a better word* I felt when I did go to church? Is it that my family never really believed? Is it that my questions have went for the most part unanswered? As I tell others when I am presented with a variety of possible answers for a question, the answer is a lil bit of everything. *is it nurture or nature? both*
Having no be the answer for now means that I am much more indulgent. I see no reason not to be. Ofcourse, there is the so-so indulgence of eating fatty foods or even smoking. Instead, I have to have fairly deviant delights that conflict with several ideas about proper conduct here on Earth. Right now I'm tempted to write about my conduct. Yet, the prospect of writing about myself that much provokes quite a bit of anxiety. I have barely started really sharing myself with Michelle. She is still coming to terms with the whole of who I am. Though I think it has also helped her be more open with me and especially herself. She's not so hard on herself.
I guess that is all for now. More details later. I'll check some of y'all's diaries later.